This Mom's Confessions

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Dear Mom at Kohl’s

Filed Under: Being a mom, BLOG, Life in General Tagged With: , ,

Dear Mom at Kohl’s,

I am still quite shocked and gobsmacked even days later as to what transpired.

At the time, I stood there pretty much stunned and on the verge of tears, because my own motherly instinct took hold of me, as you scolded and reprimanded me treating me like I was some sort of an errant child.

When your mom claws came out at me for sticking up for my still only 5 year old daughter, who decided to innocently carry her Disney Elsa stuffed toy with her while we shopped, after your own daughter grabbed that same doll out of my girl’s hands, so did mine.  

Because as moms we are hardwired to have our kid’s backs.  

However, back to the matter at hand.  

What you didn’t witness five minutes prior to this incident were my two kids clearly bored entertaining themselves by jumping on the outdoor furniture while my husband and I attempting to price it.

See we moms all have our moments with our kids.

But I quickly diffused our rambunctious kid wrinkle in time by leaving my husband to find said price out and redirecting my girls to look at the toys where at least I knew they would be more entertained in that moment.

That is when it the above too place and happened.

As we were walking in the toy aisle with me right behind them, another young girl seemingly lifted my daughter’s doll out of her hands and turned to what appeared to me to run off picking up speed.

So, my natural gut instinct was to reach out grabbing the toy back, as well as find my mom voice telling this young girl that the toy was not hers.

Never did I put my hands on your actual child, nor would I ever to another child.

My question to you is, “Where were you when your daughter was running off with my daughter’s toy?”

You clearly weren’t watching your kid in this moment at all. 

My own girls are still relatively young that I would never leave them alone in a store to their own devices let alone to fend for themselves or even God forbid the unspeakable might occur.  I am all too aware of what could happen if I take my eyes off of them for even a few seconds.  

However since you weren’t indeed there watching your own daughter, you assumed something and clearly felt you needed to make it known.

You went on the offensive immediately, quite perfectly and maybe even rightfully so in your mind.

Never would I knock you for sticking up for your child.

As much as you have a right to be your child’s advocate and champion, then again so do I.

Yet, it doesn’t excuse you from letting your child roam free in this store and then pounce on another mother when you sadly weren’t doing your job as a mom yourself.

Dear Mom at Kohl's

Still though as I can’t even begin to walk a mile in your shoes neither could you in mine.

However I can more than guarantee if you didn’t come across as a larger than life bully in the heat of the moment, this Mom would have been more than likely in your corner.  Also, probably would not have felt the need to defend herself by any means by doing her very best to embrace the situation and even reached out to try to make sure your daughter was OK.

Sadly, I wasn’t given that opportunity, as you were my judge and jury even before getting all the facts straight. 

You had already indeed convicted me as guilty.

But, still I shouldn’t have had to defend myself to you or anyone else on this level.

However what upset me the most wasn’t that you got loud with me.  I am a big girl and can clearly deal with the repercussions of my actions. Still at first, my flight or fight response clearly took over and the fight response began to take hold.

I wish I could say I handled myself better, but you baited me and got a more than fierce reaction from me towards you.

This doesn’t excuse your behavior – as when I shared this with a friend, who reminded me that sometimes bad parenting is still at the core bad parenting.

My same friend also reminded me that even if your daughter might not have fully understand, it is still essentially up to you, as her parent, to try with all your power, understanding and love to model the right behavior.

But instead of trying to be the mother that your daughter most certainly needed today, you chose to bury your head further in the sand arguing over the semantics of the whys and the hows with me.

Nor, did this teach your daughter right from wrong for a possible next time something similar occurs.

Your ranting not only made me uncomfortable for how you handled yourself during this moment in time.

My heart actually broke thinking about this whole experience knowing your daughter might not have fully comprehended that the doll in question wasn’t hers nor what was transpiring.  

Though never did you try to calmly explain this to your daughter or diffuse the situation, but decided to take your upset and frustrations out on me (another parent).

I highly doubt that getting this heated did any good to keep your girl from getting further upset or anxious as I can tell you that my own daughters definitely were quite unnerved during and even afterwards asking me tons of questions.  

At the end of the day though, I am more than saddened of how I reacted in the heat of the moment, but am at the very least proud that once I did compose myself hours later that I did my best to explain this to my girls by taking this moment in time to teach them a lesson or two.

I would like to think that maybe you did, as well to your girl.

Still I am not sure what was going on in your head though before, during and after as I am not you.

And in turn you aren’t me, nor could you fathom the extent of my feelings either.

Still though maybe you are a mom, who just simply having a bad day, who took it out on another mom. I get it as another mom, I have my bad days, too.  We all do.

[Tweet “Wishing for #moms to show more kindness and be more openminded. #parenting”]

But the bottom line is we are both moms of young kids that should be trying to work together to build up and help our kids, as well as each other instead of trying to tear each other down in the process.  This is my simple, but grand wish and for all moms to show more kindness and to be more open minded to each other.

Signed, 

Simply one mom to another

Signature 2015

About Janine

Janine is a published author of the books, The Mother of All Meltdowns and Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee. She has been featured on The Huffington Post, Mamapedia, Today Parenting Team and SheKnows. She also runs her own graphic design company at J9 Designs.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Robin (Masshole Mommy) says

    I would have been right up in her face and out judged her judgy white trash public display. That’s how we do it in Boston.

  3. Jill says

    Amen, amen, amen. I love this. We are (and me is included in the we) sometimes too quick to judge. I had something very similar happen to me last week at a Chuck E. Cheese type of place (oh, the horror!) where I was trying to keep a little kid from climbing onto (yes, ON to) the whackamole game my kid was playing (yes, the one with the hammer.) I was trying to get him off without touching him and the mom gave me some major stink eye for yelling at him and muttered “he’s only three.” I wanted to shoot back “then it shouldn’t have taken you this long to actually notice what he was doing.” And, maybe I’m right. But I know how fast little kids can move when they want to explore…I think we could have both cut each other some slack…

    • Janine says

      Jill, I know I truly could have easily jumped on this mom in reverse, but it does take so much more compassion and empathy to walk that mile in the other person’s shoes. Sorry, you too though had a similar experience and just wish we (moms) could all just cut each other a bit of slack now and again.

  4. Bev says

    Oh no, Janine, what a bummer! I’m so sorry to hear this mom jumped to conclusions and down your throat without knowing what happened. Let’s hope that she was truly having a very bad day. Not that excuses her behavior, but you have to hope this was not a normal occurrence.
    I’m still learning to navigate these tricky waters. I’ve been to play spaces for children 0-6 and seen really big kids do whatever they want while their parents sit back. (Of course, there are the parents who do everything in their power to try to reign in their kids, and I also commend them for that because I can see how exhausting it is for them!) I have to protect Eve who is so much smaller but it’s so tricky!

  6. Kathy Radigan says

    Janine I would have reacted the same way and been as upset as you were. You are so right, we moms do need to have each other’s back more. The job is too tough to do it on our own! It really does take a village! xo

  7. Nellie @ Brooklyn Active Mama says

    I am so sorry you have to deal with this situation. When this kind of thing happens I *always* lead with a smile because usually I don’t know the full story. I would never yell at another mother, especially in front of my kids but there are situations that can definitely push you to that point. The kids are the the ones that lose out in this situation and they are usually the cause smh. I agree with your #mommittment because man we just don’t ever know the full story before all the judgements and yelling starts!

    • Janine says

      Nellie, I totally agree and we just never know the full story and I hate that I did judge at first, but am hoping that I can try better if there is a next time here, too.

  8. Seana Turner says

    I think at least one of the reasons for “judge not” is that we often are not operating with complete information or a thorough perspective. We so often jump to conclusions, defending those close to us, even if we don’t really know what we are talking about. I like that you were able to voice your perspective so respectfully, Janine. We would all do well to take a breath and look before we leap!

  10. Jessica @ Absurd, She Wrote says

    I completely understand how this would elicit the Mama Bear in both mothers involved, but gosh, I hope that if I’m ever in her shoes I pause to ask what happened. Because my kid will be learning the importance of sharing, asking, and respecting other people’s boundaries, space, and possessions.

  11. Joy says

    Sorry this happened to your family, Janine. I wouldn’t be surprised if that little kid will find herself in jail in the future. She doesn’t have a parent who is attentive enough and who is willing to teach her accountability. They’re both spoiled brats! #$&%&%*$$#%!!!!!

    • Janine says

      Joy, I truly appreciate your kind words and I hope that it really was just a bad day for her and not that latter. I truly can’t be sure though and just wish it could have been different though in the heat of the moment.

  13. Diane Roark says

    Oh Janine,

    I am so sorry this happened to you. She had no right to say anything since she did not see and was not even watching her kids. She sounds like she is raising a spoiled rotten brat, BUT that is not for us to decide. I have learned you never know what someone is going through or have been through which makes them act the way they do. I have also learned the best way to make a difference in someone else is to kill them with kindness and use a whisper voice which is so hard to do. I am proud of you. That lady should have used that moment to teach her child the right thing to do , how to apologize, and so much more. I pray she will think about how she behaved, she will be sorry and change her ways before her daughters become as rude as she is.

    I hope you have a great day!
    Blessings,
    Diane Roark

    • Janine says

      Diane, thank you so much and I know I am still hopeful that maybe it was indeed just a bad day she was having as her reaction definitely did make an impression on me though to say the least.

  14. Bill says

    You and Bev would get along fine. She agonizes over instances like the one you described. Me….I’m in their face giving them as much as they give me, and then afterwards I feel like a real shit. 🙂

    Oh well…..I have no doubt you did the best you could in the situation. Would you do it differently next time? Probably, but bottom line…we are only human.

    Have a great Monday, Janine.

    • Janine says

      Bill, I love that Bev and I are similar in this. I most definitely think we would get on famously. But agree also we are only human. Also, have a great Monday, too once again 😉

  16. Rosey says

    People are crazy, Janine. Sorry you ran into one at Kohl’s. I guess we just have to shake our heads and move on, glad that they only pop out of the woodwork every so often. 😉

  17. Kristen says

    AMEN! Why do women and mothers act this way? Where was she? I’m sorry this happened to you and your daughter. People can be so inconsiderate…

  19. Emily says

    I can just tell by how you described this incident that I would have lost it on that other mom, with curses flying every which way. 🙂 But seriously, I can understand completely how this would be so upsetting. I like how you channeled your anger and emotions into this post, because sometimes in the heat of the moment, it just isn’t possible to think rationally about what is happening.

    • Janine says

      Emily, I agree sometimes it truly isn’t easy to think rationally and still I just couldn’t help but get my feelings out here though. Thank you though for sharing that my response in the heat of the moment was more common than not. 😉

  24. Rabia @TheLiebers says

    It sounds like she was embarrassed about not watching her daughter better and instead of being a grownup about she she dug in her heels and made it all worse! I feel bad for her daughter as well. I hope she learns better from her mom in the future, or at least learns it from someone else!

  25. Meredith Ethington says

    Situations like this always dumbfound me. I would never act this way toward another mom, and it’s sad what her child will grow up learning about her mom’s own behavior.

  26. Kim says

    Sometimes you just have to wonder “what is wrong with people?!” I’m with you from the get-go – where was the mom when her daughter was taking your daughter’s doll and running off with it? Shopping with young kids is hard (as you well know) and requires a lot of vigilance to make sure you can see your child(ren) all the time. That mom dropped the ball and then took it out on you – so sorry that you had to have any part in such a miserable experience.
    Love that you took time later to use it as a teaching moment for your girls:)

  28. Stephanie @ Life, Unexpectedly says

    How rude of the other mom!! Being a mom of young kids myself, I know how kids are, and no matter what, I always try my best to get both sides of an argument before I make my decision on how to react, even if it seems that one of my children is the “injured”. A few weeks ago, I had a pretty unpleasant experience at the playground; I noticed at some point, that Lily was getting a little too rambunctious and went to calm her back down. Just as I was talking to her, another mom came over and started to give a lecture to Lily just based on what HER daughter had taught her, and as if I wasn’t even there. I was just so flattened I couldn’t even react, and I could kick myself today that I didn’t get absolutely confrontational with this woman, lecturing HER that she should be talking to ME as the mom, not my daughter, since I was right there, and give Lily a chance to give her side of the story. However, there will always be people who consider their kids faultless, because it makes what they consider parenting easier on themselves.

    • Janine says

      I am so sorry that you had that happen to you, too Stephanie and truly sounds like that mom needed to back off and most definitely try to approach you in a non-confrontational way since you were indeed there.

  29. Jhanis says

    So sorry to hear this happened to you! Maybe she reacted that way to cover up the fact that she let the kid wander by herself? Sigh. I think what you did was right. No sense arguing with her. Hugs!

  30. Rea says

    That’s tough to handle. I probably would be caught off guard if I were on your position. But you dealt with it pretty well! I always think that moms have this common understanding of being moms and parents to their kids. Not all are the same though but at least with kindness and open-mindedness, we’ll most likely cause peace rather than chaos.

  31. Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom says

    Aww, it’s so unfortunate this happened to you. I hate moments like these… especially when I reflect on them and I’m not happy with my own conduct. Big hugs to you my friend. I’m so sorry this happened and I hear you; we moms need to cut each other some slack and try not to jump to conclusions.

    Thanks for sharing.
    xoxo

  32. Tamara says

    I wonder what I would have done! I probably wouldn’t have had the grace I believe you had, because sometimes I mouth things under my breath on the school playground! True story.. but don’t worry – not loud enough for anyone to hear.
    It’s heartbreaking to think that we moms still have so far to go in cutting each other some slack.

    • Janine says

      Tamara, I hate that moms in general sometimes do more in the way of cutting down each other than anything else. But still, I sometimes do find myself too mumbling under my breath, so just more we do seem to have in common.

  34. Dana says

    I’m sorry you had to deal with that mom, Janine – I hope writing this helped you process the experience and shake it off. I hate when strangers get nasty with me, and I usually clam up. Then later I think of all the awesome comebacks I could have said!

  37. Chris Carter says

    So she yelled at YOU for grabbing the doll back from the kid while the kid was running away with it? Oh my… that is just wrong, oh so wrong. I’m SO sorry you had to put up with a woman who clearly had it out for ‘someone’ that day, and it happened to be you. Or quite possibly, I’ve seen this too many times- she consistently blames others for her child’s behavior. Either way, I pity her because she must be a very unhappy soul and her child will grow up without effective parenting to teach her manners and responsibility.

    Such a shame.

    I hope you were able to rebound from such an awful situation and enjoy your day, my friend. I hate when those things occur and they usually leave me feeling so discouraged and angry!!

  38. Joy @ Yesterfood says

    The on-going, widespread attitude seems to be “My kid can do no wrong, and everyone else is automatically wrong”. Just ONE of the unfortunate things that comes out of this is that the kids adopt this attitude, too. They can’t help it- it’s all they’ve seen or known or had modeled for them. Ugh. Wouldn’t you HATE to be a teacher and have a room FULL of them, with those awful parents right outside the door, ready to POUNCE?

    Thanks for trying to turn the tide, Janine!

    • Janine says

      Joy, you made me smile, as this was one of the reasons, I actually decided not to go back into teaching again, because sadly for all the great kids and parents, I did deal with, there were far too many that were just as you described and just gives me ulcers thinking about it!

  39. lisacng @ expandng.com says

    Based on what you wrote, I still don’t understand why the other mom got so upset. I was at a birthday party this weekend and some kids tried to take O’s bunny and I immediately took the bunny from the kids because I didn’t want their germs on it. No moms got upset at me. Then again, no kids got upset either. Did the girl get upset, is that why the mom was all cray cay on you? And you’re right, she wasn’t there to witness it so she has no right to jump to conclusions. This reminds me not to jump to conclusions in the future. Hope you were able to explain to your daughters what happened and they can understand. It’s not great to see adults yelling.

    • Janine says

      Lisa, the girl honestly didn’t get upset and this mom just appeared out of no where. It was seriously one of the most bizarre altercations I have ever had in my life so far. And I am still not 100% sure what really was going on, but can tell you that it made such an impression on me that I had to write about and was hoping that by doing this I could indeed understand it better if nothing else.

  40. The Imp says

    Good grief. Just what would she have had you do, let her kid keep the toy?

    I’m all for grace, paitence, and understanding, but you know, there are times where a simple and firm no is the right answer.

    And that the other person is being a jerk.

    • Janine says

      You said a mouthful here and I am really not sure what here ulterior motive was and still not. Not to say I don’t wish I did, but definitely agree with you on a simple “No” would have totally sufficed.

  42. Bonnie says

    That’s a tough situation, but there will always be unreasonable people in the world. It would be nice if we could all be more compassionate, I just don’t think everyone has it in them. My faith tends to be renewed by the people who do show patience and understanding. The other day at the hardware store while checking out, my son was running in and out of the automatic doors. Because he has adhd, I tend to get a lot of disapproving stares from people who don’t understand about impulse control. But I called him back to me, and looked around for the dirty looks, and a friendly face looked back at me, with a smile that said “keep doing your thang mama!”… so that’s what I’m gonna do! 😉

  43. Echo says

    I completely understand where you are coming from, but if she would have came up to me… There would have been an animalistic display of power in Kohl’s! I’m talking puffed chest, possibly loud roaring noises. I am pretty level-headed, but if you challenge me, be prepared to stand your ground.

  44. Liz Mays says

    I guess we can hope that the other mother also calmed down at home and had a good talk with her daughter. At least I’m really hoping that’s what happened. I’m sure I would have reacted the way you did too!

  45. Kelly L McKenzie says

    Oh now this is just sad. I doubt, sorry, that the mom had the chat with her daughter that you had with yours. I wish she did but I doubt it. However, judging by everyone’s wonderful comments up above, there is a wealth of goodness out there. That’s what I choose to take away from this.
    Great job, Janine.

  46. Jack says

    Your story reminds me of a moment at the park where another child took my son’s shovel out of his hands and began to use it.

    My son took it back and the other kid started crying. His mother came running over and started lecturing my son about how he had to share his toys and I politely told her he didn’t have to.

    She got irate and I told her I had seen her son pull the shovel out of my son’s hands and reminded her we were all strangers.

    If she hadn’t been so quick on the draw to lecture my son I might have suggested to him that it would be ok to share the shovel but that wasn’t how it went. And like your story she ignored the bad behavior of her own child. Some people need to take a deep breath and think before they speak.

  47. Pam@over50feeling40 says

    Now that I am in my sixties, I want to think I would handle all of these situations better than I did. But, not too long ago I found myself feeling the same way as a grandparent! So these moments continue. Thanks for sharing the discussion with the Thursday Blog hop!

  48. Alison says

    I’m sorry this happened to you and your girls, Janine. It’s hard to know if someone’s a bitch because they’ve had a bad day, or they’re just a bitch. But it sounds to me like you conducted yourself in a non-bitchy way and really, that’s all that matters.

  49. The Pinterested Parent says

    This is what pisses me off. If this were me, I would be one embarrassed that I was not there during the incident because my young child was running around by herself & then I would have given my child the reprimanding for taking something that was not hers. Instead it seems that this woman decided to take the low road & try to make herself feel better by telling you off because she realized that she sucks . Maybe she had a bad day. Who knows, but there are far too many people that I have encountered like this. You are right too, what is she teaching her child with this behavior; That it is ok to take other people’s possessions without repercussions, that you resolve conflict with harsh words? It is a shame really. I am sorry that this happened. You do not deserve this.

  50. Camille says

    Unfortunately, there are just people out there like this. I’ve been approached by several judgmental people in the grocery store before. After obsessing about it for quite a while, I realized I just need to get away from these type of people as soon as possible and forget about them! I won’t waste the mental energy on strangers who just want to be mean to people they don’t even know.

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