Most know if you read my blog that I just recently turned 36 years old. I will be honest and tell you that the first time, I began to feel a bit older was right after I had Lily.
I remember sitting in the hospital holding Lily for the first time, when it dawned on me that this would mostly likely be the last time I would hold a newborn that was my own.
See, I had a very rough second pregnancy with her, was labeled high risk from placenta previa and was even hospitalized and subsequently put on bed rest. I was pretty sure from that alone we wouldn’t be trying our luck for the third. Just too risky and too much at stake being that we really could have lost Lily at 22 weeks of that pregnancy and didn’t want to ever go through anything like that again. It upsets me even thinking about it.
Minutes After I Gave Birth to Lily!!
So in that moment, I remembered feeling old and thinking well now I just will get older and what’s next! I know crazy thought, but remember I was a bit hormonal just having a baby and all.
I have managed to push most of those feelings to the side, but turning 36 has made me realize I am now closer to 40 years old then 30 years old.
And most recently, I shared about how my dad was diagnosed with Bells Palsy and had been pretty sick in recent weeks. Well, he had to go for neurological screening just to rule out a stroke. When he went they actually found out he did indeed have a mini-stroke and did not have Bells Palsy after all.
Needless to say, this definitely unnerved me and shook me to my core. I mean I remember growing up with my dad, who is always been tall (over 6 feet) and strong. There was nothing he couldn’t do. He worked for General Motors with cars as long as I could remember and knew everything and anything as far as cars and just general handy man type stuff. He even gave himself the nickname, “Mr. Goodwrench” (my dad lived and breathed GM back then).
Me with Mr. Goodwrench Back in the Day!!
Around that time, my brother was born and my parents offered me the larger bedroom, because I was the older sibling now. My dad offered to do it whatever color I wanted. What color do you think this 6 year old girl picked?
That’s right, the pink girl chose PINK! It was 1983 and wood paneling was the thing and so in. So, he went to the lumber yard and found pink paneling and even stained the moldings pink for me. I will never forget how perfect that room was and was all mine, thanks to my dad.
Well, now it is 30 years later and my dad is starting to show his age and yes I know we don’t stay young forever, but watching him need help with things he never really needed help with and what he has been going through the past few weeks has really hit home hard for me.
I do worry as my parents are getting older, but truly have been blind to the years flying by, the aging process, the more defined wrinkles, the gray, thinning hair and so much more. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I would like to keep my parents “Forever Young” if I could. Sounds silly, but still I can’t help myself.
Happy Times–Walking Down The Aisle With My Dad!!!
Yet, I know the aging process does exist, but somewhere in my mind, my dad is still tall, young with a dark thick hair and is still capable of making miracles happen for me like that pink bedroom.
In the end, I am just thankful that hopefully we will have more time (at least I would like to think so), even though he can be cranky, ornery and old fashioned at times, he is still my dad. So, if I had one wish it would be that my dad would heed this wake up call, stop smoking and at the very least take care of himself.
He told me after finding out about the stoke, that he wants to be able to dance like he did at my wedding 7 years ago, at my girls (his granddaughters) someday. I will keep that hope alive and try to have faith that he will do that someday, because just like he will also be my dad, he will always be their “Poppy”, too.
See the aging process doesn’t take one thing away and that is the love we feel for our parents and grandparents. That is infinite and “Forever Young”.
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massholemommy says
I'm right there with ya – closer to 40 than 30, although I always tell people that I'm 29 LOL. I just keep saying that 40 is the new 30 and maybe one of these days I'll actually convince myself.
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Janine Huldie says
Please convince me, too Robin lol!! 🙂 🙂
clark says
you know… the Doctrine has a theory about that… (lol)
We refer to it as the 'lock in age', which in a sense, is when we stop getting older (within our minds). The story of how this concept forced itself on me might be in order.
10 or 13 or 17 years ago (not real clear on the time, being a clark and all), I was walking down the sidewalk in a small town. The street had little stores and shops on both sides and sidewalks as well. As I walked, I happened to glance across the street and caught my reflection in a plate glass window of a shop.
While I could clearly see a man walking along the sidewalk, (in the reflection), for a split second I did not *recognize myself'. Of course, I knew that it was me (after all there was no one else walking along the sidewalk with me!)
But even as I realized I was seeing my reflection, the question popped into my head, "Well, clark, who were you expecting to see?"
In that moment, it occurred to me, I expected to see the person I looked like when I was (about) 27 years old.
Naturally, I talked to others about this and it seems to hold true, if you try and 'picture the image' that you expect to see in the mirror, real quick before the actual reflection hits your eye, it will be of a different you.
…which age you 'lock in' at is almost as interesting as the idea that our physical self-image never ages past a certain point in our lives.
Excellent Post, Janine
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Janine Huldie says
I love the way you think Clark and seriously to look in the mirror and see my 27 year old self would be heaven, lol!! 🙂 🙂
Dana says
It is difficult to watch our parents age, and it really hits home when a friend loses a parent. I remember when my dad turned 40, and thinking that was so old. When I hit 40, I didn't feel old at all! And now that my dad is 69, that number seems much younger than it used to also. Hope your dad is around for a long time, Janine – into your 40s and beyond!
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Janine Huldie says
Thanks Dana and it truly is difficult to watch our parents age, but you are right 60s are not as old as they once were, but still can't help feeling like we are all getting older now watching certain things unfold around me if that makes sense.
Karen says
OMG..I am sobbing right now…those last few lines really got me! I don't want to think about not having my parents around. I love them dearly, they are so important, but they are getting older and it terrifies me. My grandparents died way too young. I was close to my dad's mom and know she is always watching over me. I never really understood how my parents felt until I have a child. Dino is VERY close to my parents and I can't imagine him not having his Pop Pop and LaLa with him. It's too overwhelming to even think about. (((HUGS)))
Janine Huldie says
Karen, truly didn't mean to make you cry and sorry for that. Just scares me a bit, too. I also went through losing my grandparents and that was a hard enough loss for me as well. So now when I am seeing this stuff happening, it just makes me feel a bit helpless and making some of those same feeling resurface I suppose. Here is to hoping that our parents live long healthy lives from here on out!!
Kerri says
This was such a beautiful tribute to your dad. I hope he does pay attention to the warning signs and dances at his beautiful granddaughter's wedding. I hope our children always see us as forever young.
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Janine Huldie says
Thanks so much Kerri and I hope he does, too now. He has completely quit smoking and seriously hoping that this did the trick!!
Shay says
What a sweet post. One of my biggest fears my entire life was my dad getting older. I just want him around forever, and I'm like you–I am so thankful for the many years we've already gotten to spend together and hopeful for a million more. And on another related note–I seriously woke up slightly frantic this morning because my birthday is coming up. I have been telling people for months that I'm 36 (I start rounding up like 5 months before my b-day for some reason) and this morning, in a fog, I thought–am I going to be 37 already?? Alas, I'll only be 36 this year, which isn't even old, but for some reason it is starting to hit me that I'm close to 40! Ah, well. Age is just a number, right? 🙂
Janine Huldie says
Shay, you sound so much like me with age and I do usually round up a month or two before my birthday, because I just figure I am closer to the older number. But I know that feeling of 40 getting closer and closer now each year an scaring me ever so slightly!! But you are right age is just a number and we need to stop stressing. So much easier said then done though!! And thank you for sharing your feelings about your dad and also sounds very similar int he way I also feel and think about my own dad, too!!
susanzutautas says
I know exactly how you feel as I felt the same way but sad to say my Dad passed away six years ago. When I was about 5, l used to tell my Dad that when he died (something I always feared growing up) I was going to have him stuffed so he'd be around forever. Now that I think back to that it sorta sounds sick.
I love that picture of your Dad walking you down the aisle. I have a picture of my Dad walking me down the aisle and he has the exact same look on his face that your Dad has.
Really enjoyed your post today.
My recent post For You Baby
Janine Huldie says
Oh I am so sorry you lost your dad Susan and I too as a kid never wanted to imagine losing either of my parents, but as I am getting older and they, too the reality of it kind of isn't escaping me now. Glad though others can relate and make me feel a bit better knowing I am not alone on some of my thoughts or feelings.
Rosey says
This is a nice post. We moved out of state, and the first time I came back to visit when my mom's hair had started turning gray I remember being so surprised. I guess I just always thought she was going to be young. Silly, but true. It startled me. 🙂
Not to worry about the age thing, you're still young. 🙂
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Janine Huldie says
My mom has dyed her hair for years and we share a mother-daughter home with them, so I think sometimes my mind just sees what it wants to, but after what has been happening with my dad, my eyes I guess opened more to all around me. Thank you though Rosey for sharing and for saying that, too!!
Billybuc says
Both my parents are now gone….my son is living with us right now and he is twenty-eight…..I find my body won't do things it once did…..and still I think I'm a young boy running across the baseball field with his glove, looking for one more game to play. 🙂 Forever young my friend.
Janine Huldie says
Bill, you epitomize forever young in my mind for sure and my hat is totally off to you my friend!! Hope you are having a great day and thank you seriously as always!!
NuggetOnABudget says
This is such a beautiful post Janine, and I know a bit about what you're feeling. I always picture myself as in my early 20s and my sister is still in school and my parents…well I never picture them getting older, even though I know they are. I can't imagine them not being around, or getting sick. My dad had a heart attack 3 years ago and even though he's completely recovered from it, it still scares me to have him go off on his own in case something happened. One good thing that came out of that was he is really living his life now and being very healthy, which in turn made my mom become healthy as well. I hope that things start to get better for your dad and that he stays around to see your daughters get married, too. Parents {and grandparents} are such a special part of our lives. xoxo 🙂
My recent post 28 weeks.
Janine Huldie says
Kera, I am happy to hear that even though your dad did have a heart attack that he recovered completely and sounds similar to my parents in now both are eating and living their lives in general healthier. Just so scary though, but here is to our parents being healthy and living long, happy lives now, too!!
flemily says
Oh Janine, I am so sorry that I missed your previous post about your dad — I had no idea he was having health issues. I haven't been as good about reading blogs every day, which is why I probably missed it, but I'm glad I caught up today to let you know that I know how you feel (obviously, given what I just went through with my mom). It is scary when our parents show signs of aging and slowing down and yes, it does make us feel older, but as I've learned, just try to focus on enjoying each day with your family, because unfortunately none of us can control time and aging (though I've tried!). I know it sounds so cliche, but it really is true, to just live each day to the fullest, because that is all we can control.
My recent post The Hardest Part About My Day Is…
Janine Huldie says
Emily, I know you can relate to this having recently lost your mom and trust me I know in the end this will be the inevitable, but just hope essentially for more time and that when it does happen it won't be for many years from now. although, I do know I have no control over any of this, that is just my sincere wish and hope now. I just thank you for reading, weighing in and for your support, too. Thank you!! 🙂
Melanie says
What a poignant post. it seems that we get our parents stuck at a certain age in our mind, and they don't 'grow' out of it until something like this happens. I even did that with my grandmother :-). I hope this was the first and last scare you have had with your father – he sounds like a great man, and one that should stick around for a very long time. 😀
As far as our own aging – I turned 38 in December, my husband turned 40 – and I still refuse to believe that we are 'middle aged'! 😀
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Janine Huldie says
Melanie, I did this with both my grandparents, too. Just feels even stranger that it is my parents and you are right they were definitely stuck at a certain age in my mind until this occurred. And both my husband and I just turned 36 years old (he in May and myself this past week). I also refuse to want to think we are middle aged or closing in on it now!! Thank you for sharing and seem to be in good company at the very least!!! 🙂
tamaralikecamera says
Today I'm celebrating my son's first birthday and he's most likely my last child and it feels very strange. Is this the last first birthday of one of my own? I actually felt old at my wedding – at only 27. All of the older generation of my family looked so old to me so I thought that must mean I'm old too. It doesn't really. Watching my parents age is hard but my dad's parents are both still alive, and my mom's mom is still alive at 99 so I think maybe they're the ones feeling old watching their parents, while I'm watching my parents be the caregivers. We're both sandwich generations right now, but I'm still the younger sandwich.
My recent post I Love Everything About You.
Janine Huldie says
Oh Happy Birthday to your son Tamara and I love knowing that there are so many other Gemini's out there alongside of myself!! I have to admit I didn't feel old for our wedding, but seriously after my second it hit me like a ton of bricks!! But do like the way your sandwich theory seems to work and will so keep that in mind!! 🙂
Elena says
What a very personal post; glad you shared! Sorry about your dad and I hope you'll have many more years to spend together. Also sounds like you had a rough pregnancy (glad it all worked out though) :o) Don't worry so much about being 36. Didn't you know that it's the new 20's? ;o)
By the way, thanks for leaving a comment on my Candid Photograph post! Love to see you stopping by every now and then :o) Hope you're having a wonderful Thursday!
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Janine Huldie says
I love that 36 is the new 20s and seriously thanks for putting a smile on my face. I am so happy to stop by and love your blog, too!! 🙂
The Dose of Reality says
Oh, this is post just hit home for me. Like you, I knew the years were flying with my Dad and it just never registered until I saw him sick and frail. It was a big wallop. In my head he's still the big, capable guy he always was. In reality, he's in his late 70s. Watching a beloved parent age is just tough. And it totally sneaks up on you. –Lisa
PS. Love that wedding day photo. You looked so beautiful!! 🙂
My recent post The Dose Girls Do It Old School
Janine Huldie says
Oh thank you for your comment and seriously sorry you too are able to relate to this, Lisa. I just so hard to wrap my brain around this aging process and sounds like you, too are seeing this with your own father. Thank you though for sharing, because I needed to know it wasn't just me seeing this change occur to her parents.
@kwektsuilin says
Very thought provoking, Janine. My grandma is turning 83 and is so afraid of dying. So I have to sometimes talk through the process! Thanks for sharing!
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Janine Huldie says
Oh I feel for you and your grandma. My great-aunt was a lot like this always fearing death. Poor thing ended up with Lymphoma at just about 86 years old and was gone within a year. Just always found that one ironic for sure.
Eddy says
Oh so wonderful once again Janine ;I expect nothing less by now and not once have you disappointed .Such beautiful photos to treasure through the years.
Thank you again Janine and lots of love from my little corner of Wales.
Eddy.
Janine Huldie says
Oh thank you Eddy and sending love right back your way!! 🙂
Jessica says
What a lovely post! I can't say I'm closer to 40 anymore because I am there :(. However, I do agree with keeping everyone forever young. I live faraway from my parents so when I do see them I can see they are getting older. BUT… they do have some great genes. They're in their late 60s but don't look like it at all! Love your wedding day photo 🙂
Jessica
The Wondering Brain
My recent post What Being A Dad Means to Me by Kristina from Self Health Web
Janine Huldie says
Jessica, I must say my mom has some really great genes, too. Her grandfather (my great-grandfather) lived to be 103 years old and looked as though he was in his 80s when he passed. So, hopefully, I will have those genes as I age. But it is hard seeing my parents get older and sounds like you too can relate. Thank you so much for commiserating and all your kindness!! 🙂
tinarobmorley says
Thanks, Janine, for sharing! I enjoyed the photos that you included. I'm sending a prayer your dad's way! Also, I'm posting my Finish the Sentence Friday early because Friendship Friday has just gone live and I want to link.
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Janine Huldie says
Thank you for your prayers and happy that you can link up whenever you can Christina!! 🙂
Janine Huldie says
Oh sorry to hear and is this the first time you had trouble posting it?
Considerer says
Ahhhhhh this is a lovely tribute to your Dad. He sounds like an awesome chap and you're a credit to him 🙂
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Janine Huldie says
Oh thank you so very much for your kind words on my post today!! 🙂
Ruchira says
Such a beautiful post, janine.
Age is just a number cause if your heart is still beating and love is in the air…who cares about a darn number 😉
I will be 40 this year…not worried cause I am pretty darn confident I am getting wiser by the month.
voted for ya, GF
Janine Huldie says
Ruchira, you said it so beautifully and you are right it is totally just a number and have to keep reminding myself that. Thank you so much!! 🙂
Lanaya says
This is such a beautiful post and I can absolutely relate. It's crazy to think how fast time goes flying by and then you have a birthday, and another and another … and your parents do as well.
But, I have a feeling that when we do get to 40 .. we will always be fabulous!!
¤´¨)
¸.•*´
(¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo http://www.raising-reagan.com
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Janine Huldie says
I truly hope we are 40 and fabulous!!! Love you Lanaya, seriously you always know just how to put a smile on my face when I need it most!! 🙂 xoxo!!
@TaoOfPoop says
Aw, I love that he wants to dance like he did at your wedding at your daughters'. That is the sweetest thing that I've ever heard. And what great incentive! You have really honored your father in this post, Janine!
My recent post Holidays without My Father
Janine Huldie says
Thank you so much Rachel and I truly hope I did honor my dad with this one. And I hope he does get his wish to dance with his granddaughters like he did with me at my own wedding!! 🙂
Kelly says
The aging thing is tough. It is so easy to forget the we are all getting older until something bad happens to remind us. I am turning 29 in a couple of weeks and I can't believe it, My parents are on the younger side to have a 29 year old (I actually have a 14 year old sister) but I know one day I am going to turn around and see that they really are aging. I know that for the first time in a long time my birthday didn't bother me last year because I was pregnant and I finally felt like getting older was bringing something wonderful. I love your pictures – and I hope your Dad is doing well.
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Janine Huldie says
Oh thanks Kelly for your good thoughts about my dad. He is slowly getting better, but going for tons of tests to just to make sure he has nothing else wrong with him, too. But I know he is a bit down in the dumps from all the doctors he has seen since this happened, but just hoping that they can help him. I had my first at 32 years old and remembered feeling so blessed that birthday right before I had here, but something about hitting 35 made me realize that I wasn't getting younger, but indeed older. But I guess that is just the way it is, but thank you again so very much for your kind words!!
catherine gacad says
This reminds me of a story I heard once of a father whose older daughter and baby granddaughter were visiting and spending the night. The wife told her husband to go into the bedroom and make sure to cover baby. And instead of covering his granddaughter, he tucked the blanket tight around his grownup daughter! That story always makes me smile. Yes, forever young for all generations. I think it can be more mental than physical.
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Janine Huldie says
Wow, very interesting story and does have so much truth and validity to it. And I think you are right that it is truly mind over matter in many cases with aging. tThanks Catherine for weighing in!! 🙂
gigigirl says
What a lovely tribute to your father. He would do anything for his family. Let's hope this is a wake up call for him and that he will finally be able to give up the cigarettes. It is a shock to realize that times passes and suddenly we are the older generation! Not you, but I am! So enjoy the moment and make every day count. Don't sweat the small stuff, as they say! I think your father will be here to see the girls go down the aisle and dance at their weddings. And you'll have good years and good times ahead to enjoy. Lots of love, Aunt Gloria
Janine Huldie says
Oh thanks Aunt Gloria and I am really hoping that this is just the wake up call he needed now!! Love you and see you this weekend!! xoxo 🙂
marykatbpcsc45 says
It is great that you still have your dad and that he is forever young. I really was inspired by your writing. Thanks for sharing.
Janine Huldie says
Oh thank you Mary and so happy I could inspire!! 🙂
marykatbpcsc45 says
It is great that you still have your dad and that he is forever young. I really was inspired by your writing. Thanks for sharing.
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ourhomeonderanged says
Love the wedding picture! The hair is to die for.
Since I'm already over the 40 hump, I definitely start thinking about mortality, especially since my dad is living on his own now. I guess the beauty of getting older is that (hopefully) you learn to start taking time and making time to enjoy the whos and whats around you. Which it appears you already have done. 🙂
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Janine Huldie says
Oh thank you so much Melissa and I loved how my hair came out, but I had so many bobby pins in it to keep it up (I have very long, thick hair, which could not be down in the July NY humid air!!). As for my dad, you are right I am now taking time to enjoy each moment we have and also be just so thankful for it 🙂
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Vicky says
I can so relate to this. For me, it’s more of a “last time” feeling. When we found out or second child was a boy I knew that was probably our “last tune” to even imagine a girl in our family. Last year was the “last time” I’d have a kid at home even a few days a week. Recently I saw my dad have a mini meltdown over dirt on the carpet and I realized that was the “last time” my dad would be more Dad than Grandpa. It is such a strange thing, this aging stuff. Not terrible, but it certainly makes us take pause.
Vicky
http://www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com
Janine Huldie says
Oh so true and does really make you pause for a second. And thank you for sharing. Nice to know it isn't just me at the very least!!