“Are you a Heather?” “No, I am a Veronica.” Yes, for those who can remember back that far, I am quoting a conversation from the 1988 movie Heathers between Winona Ryder (Veronica) and Christian Slater. You are probably asking why I am doing this?
Well, I had an experience with my three year old daughter at her pre-school, where she was involved in being a part of the so-called “in crowd” or “Heathers“. To be honest, I am truly not surprised that cliques, kids being bullied, and peer pressure still exist, because I did after all work as a teacher in the middle school before having my kids, but more or less amazed that it occurs in pre-school and at this young age.
Let me set up a bit of background though here. My older daughter, Emma has two cousins and they all are born the same year and are the same age. They have, of course, been best friends and played with each other from pretty much as far back as they can remember.
This year when Emma started pre-school, both of her cousins did, too. They all go to the same school and are even in the same class. When Emma refers to her cousins, she simply says “My Friends”, even though they are her cousins to her they are just friends. We are so happy to see them together, because they do truly love each other.
And it is even a very cute scene with the three of them walking down the hall holding hands, because they remind me (at least) of three little old ladies with their walking pace and they sometimes bicker like them, too.
Today, was just like any other day, with the three holding hands as they waited to walk down the hall to their classroom for school to begin. One of their classmates, another little girl (I will call her Veronica), was standing with her mom. I have spoken to this mother a handful of times now and she always tells me that Veronica talks about Emma often at home. Well, Veronica was standing there and wanted to hold hands with the three “Heathers”. If you have seen the movie Heathers, then you probably know where I am going with this. The Heathers, of course, wanted nothing to do with Veronica and she stood there dejected hiding behind her mother.
My heart broke for Veronica, because quite frankly I was her when I was younger and was never one of the popular kids. I also was embarrassed and ashamed of Emma, because I have never raised her to be this type of person and have always encouraged her to be outgoing (she was ubber shy even up to last year), but to be a kind and warm person, too.
In my defense, I tried, by the way, to include Veronica, by telling Emma that they were in the same class and why not hold her hand, too. My “Heather” wanted no part of it and was left me more than a bit shocked and upset. She went into class and I stayed behind to speak to Veronica’s mother, who was nothing short of gracious and even totally understanding that the three girls did indeed grow up together. But still, I came home feeling terrible and even mentioned it to Kevin, when he called from work. He was just as appalled and was thankfully on the same page as me on this. We both even discussed how we were truly not part of that in-crowd and remembered what that felt like way back when.
At dinnertime, we sat down with Emma and Kevin started the conversation and asked, “Why were you being mean to your friend Veronica at school today?”
“She isn’t my friend and only the Heathers are (yes, she said her cousins names, but go with my Heathers analogy here),” Emma said with a straight face.
“Emma that isn’t nice and Veronica is your friend, too. She is a very nice little girl and you aren’t to be mean or hurt her,” Kevin tried explaining to our very apathetic child.
“Well, she isn’t my friend,” Emma said more forcefully.
“You are not to say that and if you continue to be fresh and hurtful to her, you will be going straight to bed and no Santa either,” Kevin now having to more forceful and threatening.
“No, I don’t want to go to bed,” Emma crying a bit now.
“Then, you better be nice to Veronica and don’t let me hear that you aren’t. If she wants to hold your hand, then you hold her hand. If she wants play with you, then you play with her and make sure to include her. How would you feel if no one wanted to play with you?”, Kevin asked her.
“I would cry and feel bad,” Emma said a bit shy now.
“That is how you are making Veronica feel. You don’t want her to feel bad or cry, right?”, Kevin asked trying to reason with her.
“No, daddy I don’t,” Emma answered in a low tone.
After their conversation was over, Kevin and I agreed that we need to keep a better eye on the situation and even try to set up a play date, so that Emma play with Veronica more and get to know her better. It is ironic, because another blogger friend from Oh Boy Mom was just talking about The Mercy Playdate and how her son wanted nothing to do with it, but how in the end it turned out more than fine and her son enjoyed himself. I even commented that I didn’t think I would have to deal with this for a few years. I guess I was off by a couple of years. But I will say this, I do not want my daughter to be a Heather and to be hurtful to other kids her age and will do anything I can in my power to make sure of this.
Here is the infamous scene from Heathers where, Veronica meets JD:
Even though this article was written and published over three years ago, I am linking it up with 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion today to spread this month’s theme with continuing to work toward a better world with a particular focus on Building from Bullying, as well as the broader topic of compassion.
You can join the movement here.
Bill says
I'm so out of touch; I have never heard of that movie. As for real life, it is hurtful being a child, and I think you and Kevin are doing the right thing. Well done, Mom!
Now I have a ton of work to do, so have a great day!
JanineHuldie says
Thanks Bill and no worries. Heathers was a movie when I was a teen and for some reason this was the first thing that came to mind when I first witnessed Emma being rude to this other little girl. We are trying Bill and believe me I will fight until my death to make sure my kids are kind and loving to everyone. Have a great day, too!!
Gina Adams says
Sounds like you and Kevin got a handle on the situation….good for you! I was never part of the "popular" or "unpopular" groups in school. I was always in between and involved myself in a lot of sports. I got along with everyone and made sure that those who were considered "unpopular" were included as well. I was the one who would stick up for anyone feeling left out or being bullied. Needless to say, I didn't put up with any crap and not many people really messed with me.
JanineHuldie says
Thanks Gina and wish I was more like you when I was younger, but think I have toughened up quite a bit with age that said I don't want either of my kids to be spoiled or rotten to others, so I truly am not letting this one go any day. Hopefully, they will learn this lesson young and now.
Terrye says
Janine, you and Kevin should be commended. So many parents don't take the time to make a life lesson out of situations like this and then wonder why they have a child that just doesn't care about the feelings of others. Bravo. You are doing a great job.
And I'm remembering to VOTE FOR JANINE in the Top Mommy Blogs. *HINT* to other readers. 😉
JanineHuldie says
Thanks seriously Terrye for saying that, but I think Kevin and I have been on the receiving end of kids being cruel and don't want our child ever being that kid. Not that I want her to be hurt either, but I sure don't want her to hurt anyone. That said, thank you too from the bottom of my heart, for the votes and for mentioning it here, too. You are the best!!!
JanineHuldie says
Oh Amy, I agree not that it does start young and am really quite amazed and scared to say the least. I have to try to set this playdate up, but with the holidays I fearing that it won't happen until after, because we all are so busy, including this little girl's mother. Thanks seriously and you know I will keep you all posted 🙂
Meredith says
Ugh…I am so not looking forward to going through this with my kids. I think it sounds like you are handling it so well and really trying to instill good values with your kids, Janine. Being the odd one out is such a hard place to be, so go you for encouraging your daughter to be kind to her.
JanineHuldie says
Thanks and so true Meredith. I truly didn't think I would be here yet, but unfortunately I am and now having to do my best to teach Emma and now Lily most likely won't be far behind. God help me with two girls!!
Christy Birmingham says
Oh Janine, how heart-breaking. I am glad you and your husband spoke with her and what a good lesson to teach her about kindness. Hugs.
Ruchira says
Have not heard about this movie, Janine. But you and Kevin are starting them young about this bullying issue. It is becoming like a virus which is everywhere and better get them aware of it now. Great job!
Yes, I did vote for you! Hope you win, my friend!
Stephanie Sprenger says
Tweeting this now! Great job, I loved this post and can really relate with my daughter. I too was shocked at how early this starts and it is terrible no matter which side your child is on. Great spin on this challenging subject! You handled it well too!
JanineHuldie says
Thank you so very much for tweeting this Stephanie, as well as your encouraging support here. I still can't believe that it happens at this young age though, but now that I am aware and not letting this happen on my watch if I can!!
Stacy Harris says
I loved this but it made me remember too what it is like. I was a Veronica… never a Heather. That being said, I am seeing this in my girls as well… the want to be popular and the potential to outcast other kids. We have dealt with these situations a lot. But one thing I have noticed is that one of my daughters has a friend that enforces her to be mean by saying if she is friend's with someone else, she won't be her friend. It is hard, because we have to deal with all these situations to see what would be best! Great post…
JanineHuldie says
Thanks Stacy and like I said I can relate, because I was a Veronica, too. I will say this Emma is more a follower at this point that a leader, because she has always been more the quiet, shy kid, but around her cousins she loves them and will go along for the ride, but I hate seeing her leave anyone out or not want to play with other kids because of that. So, I am so similar to you in that I keep talking to her now on this and probably beating a dead horse.
Cari @ MeetMyHusband says
Aw, Janine, I know I'm not a parent yet, but it sounds like you and Kevin are doing a great job as parents. I think kids today have even more to deal with than we did at their age. I'm sure Emma won't be a Heather or a Veronica. Great post!
JanineHuldie says
Thanks so very much Cari and hope you are right and Emma is just Emma. Plain and simple and totally works for me.
Emily Cappo says
Thanks for referring to me in this post Janine and it's funny you wrote about this today because earlier one of my friends brought up my "mercy playdate" post to me by saying that she still makes her son, who is in 7th grade, have mercy playdates. I was surprised, because I figured kids that age would not allow their mothers to make playdates for them, but then she said that because she is good friends with the mother of this one kid, that she makes her son hang out with this boy so she can hang out with the mom. It's hard when we try to teach our kids lessons about friendships. You and Kevin sound like you handled it beautifully, though.
JanineHuldie says
Thanks back to you Emily, because I couldn't believe after I had said it would most likely be awhile for us on this on your Mercy Playdate post this happened. I really was dumbfounded that we had had that conversation and then wham this hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. Trying very hard though to work with Emma on this and thankfully she seems to have learned her lesson at least for now, but still trying to set that playdate up.
Cyndi says
Your manner of dealing with this is absolutely wonderful! I'm so glad to hear that Veronica's mom was gracious…oh, I wasn't one of the popular kids, either. I think that playdate sounds wonderful. 🙂
JanineHuldie says
Thanks Cyndi and as you know already know I too was a Veronica and so not a Heather. Trying to do our best here and hope to have that playdate if not before the holidays shortly thereafter.
JanineHuldie says
Thanks Vikki and I agree that I I hate kids being mean to each other. I hated when I taught middle school, but hate it even more at this young age and it being my own daughter now, too.
JanineHuldie says
Thanks Melanie and love hearing by the way that so many other wonderful people like yourself was a Veronica, because it just proves that Veronicas are awesome people, who have so much to give and receive, too!!
JanineHuldie says
Lol, Clark I love how you turned this around on me. Seriously though I am hoping that as the adult here I can intercede and make a difference here. Time will tell, but I won't go down without a fight!!
JanineHuldie says
Wow, Kelly that sorry about Laurel and the little boy actually made me cry picturing that. So very sweet and seriously thanks for sharing that. I am with you on trying to teach my kids to be nice to everyone. They are going to public school, but the school is small similar to what you described (Kevin actually graduated from it and his graduating class was around 150 kids). So could relate to what you were explaining.
JanineHuldie says
Thanks Julie and I I couldn't agree more that cliques stink!!
Dani Ryan says
Oh man. It starts that early? I am going to have a problem with this too. I hate the idea of any kid being left out. It's a lose-lose in my opinion – either my kid is left out or my kid is leaving someone out. Ugh.
I think you both handled this spectacularly, and I look forward to an update!
JanineHuldie says
Thanks Dani and I know I thought the same thing about it starting this early. I was truly amazed and dumbfounded. Promise you an update though as soon as I have one 🙂 🙂
JanineHuldie says
Thanks Richard and secretly I am a Heather, lol!! No seriously I loved your comment as you know as I always do 🙂 🙂
Jennifer Zander Wilc says
I have two girls and they both experienced their share of the Heathers (or WERE the Heathers) way back in preschool. It's sad, but it's great how you and especially your husband, stepped in to take care of the situation. Thanks for taking part in the blog hop–love what you did with the topic!
Janine Huldie says
Heather, happy to link up with you and seriously thanks for doing the link-up and hope you link-up with us tonight, too 🙂
Kathy Combs says
I remember that movie well and I remember the popular kids acting just like that. I was never in their group and since becoming a mom have tried to get my kids to be nice to everyone.
Kathy http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com
Janine Huldie says
Kathy, I am so trying the same here even from this young age. Thanks for stopping by and appreciate you sharing, too 🙂
Joan Robertson says
I'm sorry I can't relate to the movie, never saw it. But as an ex teacher I can relate to what you dscribed in your blog post! Congrats on tackling the situation at once and I hope things are progressing OK now! Have a good day!
Janine Huldie says
I also taught middle school before having my kids so I can agree I did see a bit of this during that time. Thank you Joan for sharing and for your kindness, too! 🙂
Roshni Aamom says
I haven't seen the movie but can well understand the analogy! It's just wonderful how you helped Emma understand how 'Veronica' felt…because it's not always easy to understand subtle emotions when you're just a little kid! Kudos to you both! I just voted for your post!
Janine Huldie says
Thank you so very much Roshni and even though I taught before having kids it still shocked me seeing it as this very young age. And by the way I was actually just going to take a look at your submissions right now (now that I just finished cleaning up after dinner).