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It’s A Loss~Sunshine After the Storm Review: October Daily #22

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“It’s a loss,” were the words spoken by my then doctor and then all I heard was a dial tone.

Those three little words changed me forever and took another piece of my innocence away.

It was September 2008 and Kevin and I had been trying to conceive for a few months after I went off the pill.  At around the same time, I had just started to see a new OB-GYN.  

I had originally spotted very lightly about a week earlier and had thought I had my period even though it was very light.

But then I started to feel weird and was peeing all the time and even was much more hungry, too.  I also had been charting and my temperature never dropped, but continued to rise.

So, I took a First Response Pregnancy test and there it was as plain as day, two pink lines.  And I was indeed pregnant.

Still have a picture of the Positive Pregnancy Test
Still have a picture of the Positive Pregnancy Test-Sorry It Is Blurry

I called my OB-GYN and was told to come in for blood work.  Kevin and I were ecstatic.  My blood-work came back and the numbers were low, but they thought I was early enough, but still had me come back to do follow up blood-work. 

I still was on cloud nine, when I was called and told that my progesterone was lower then it should be and my HGC numbers were quite doubling the way they would like them to be.

He put me on progesterone suppositories and wanted me to do more blood-work to see what was going on.

When I was leaving the doctor told me to call on Friday at noon.  That time couldn’t come quick enough and was truly a wreck for two days playing the waiting game.  But I stayed on the progesterone and followed those directions to a tee.

When Friday noon did come, I called my doctor.  I was told he was with a patient and to hold.  They made me hold for about 20 minutes.  By the way, I was my prep period from my teaching job.  I sat holding my cell phone waiting as patiently as I could.

When he finally did come on, he told me very coldly and emotionlessly those 3 first words to this post.

With those words, I crumbled into a ball and still had 3 periods to go teaching for the day.  Thankfully, I was in a co-teaching classroom or an inclusion based classroom.  So there were indeed two teachers in the room.  I was one of the two teachers.  So, I told the other teacher and she told me to go home for the weekend that she would take care of those last three periods.  I then had to share with school secretary who handled human resources and pay before I could leave.

I remember the rest of the day being a blur and did stop taking the progesterone.  I woke up during the night with the worst cramps of my life and passed so much blood (so for being so gory).  Not only was my heart breaking and felt like it was being ripped out of my chest, but now so too were my insides and all my dreams.

One month later when I did find a new OB-GYN (because there was no way in hell I was going back to the previous doctor), who is still my doctor, he confirmed that I had had what was called a chemical pregnancy.  By the way, thanks to Google and all I could read and digest, I had already figured this out, but was nice to be confirmed that this was what indeed happened to me.

Back then though, I wish I would have had more of a support group when I was going through this.  Most of what I read was clinical and technical, but what I longed for was to be able to read real and true stories of others who went through similar to what I had to at the very least know I wasn’t alone.

Recently some other bloggers that I am indeed friendly with co-authored a book about all sorts of pregnancy, infant and even child losses, too.

The book is named, Sunshine After the Storm.  I knew not only, because I respect and know these women personally that I wanted to read it once it did get released, but also because of my own experience, which even though was such an early loss that I wanted to indeed read.

Sunshine After The Storm

As soon as it was published and available to download, I did just that.  I began reading while my kids were playing the other night with the intention of just skimming a bit to read more when they went to bed that night, but just couldn’t put down my iPad.  I ended up reading most of it and finishing it the following day.

The real-life stories are truly compelling, heart wrenching, but just that touching that you can’t help but want to immerse yourself in them.

Honestly, this is truly a must read for anyone who has had a loss or even for those that know someone who has experienced a loss.  Seriously, I wish a few people would had read this before I did had experienced a chemical pregnancy, because many in my own life did not know how to deal with my grief or emotions during this time.

For these reasons and so many more, I am happy I read their book and would totally recommend this one to all out there to read.

And one last thing, I want to say a huge thank you to these ladies for contributing their stories and putting them into words for all to read.  Thank you!

Sunshine After The Storm is available to purchase on Amazon in both Kindle and Paperback formats.  To purchase your own copy, please click the following link: Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother.

By the way, today is the 22nd Day of the October Daily Challenge.  The prompt was to review something and knew right away that I wanted to review this emotionally gripping book for this one.

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About Janine

Janine is a published author of the books, The Mother of All Meltdowns and Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee. She has been featured on The Huffington Post, Mamapedia, Today Parenting Team and SheKnows. She also runs her own graphic design company at J9 Designs.

Reader Interactions

Comments

    • Janine Huldie says

      Couldn't agree more Rosey and thank you for saying that. Seriously just so thankful I found out that this doctor wasn't the right doctor for me, but just wish deep down I didn't have to go through all that to find out.

    • Janine Huldie says

      Karen, I am so sorry you ever experienced any pain or bad feelings in the past. It was only the one loss for me, but I have to say it made me think twice during both my pregnancies. I truly worried after that and don't think I ever really thought the same about pregnancy after it. I think quite frankly it took away some of my innocence in the actual process of getting pregnant if that makes sense. And sorry I made you cry at work. Just felt it so important to share this book and knew I had to share my own story with it.

  4. The Dose of Reality says

    I can't believe that your first OB was so cold to you when giving you this devastating news! It's just horrible. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. It's heartbreaking. I'm so glad that this book will be a comfort and support to women everywhere. –Lisa

    • Janine Huldie says

      Lisa, I still can't believe it it and I still remember holding the phone in disbelief that he had hung up and was no longer there. He never even told me what to expect that night physically or emotionally and trust me it was horrible and so painful. So, for that I still think very poorly of him as a doctor. I have a hard time thinking anything nice about him and if anyone where to ask me for a recommendation or told me they went to him, I think I would have to say exactly what I shared here and be blunt about my feelings where he is concerned. My pleasure sharing this book here and seriously is a huge support system for all women all over!

    • Janine Huldie says

      Alexa, I know I shared a bit back in my Hubpages days, but sometimes I try to bury this and not think about it, because it does hurt. Don't get me wrong, I got pregnant with Emma only a few short months after and I know if this didn't happen and was a successful pregnancy I wouldn't have had Emma, but still sometimes when I do allow myself to think about it, I truly do remember how awful it was (even being so early on) and how my heart literally felt like it had broken in a million pieces. Seriously, thank you for publishing this book, because you really allowed me to see it was just me who suffered this type of loss. It was truly my pleasure to read and review here today! 🙂

  6. Kathy Radigan says

    Janine I am so sorry you had to go through this! I can't believe your (thankfully old) doctor handled you this way. I really felt your pain. I really hope that some doctors read Sunshine After the Storm and realize that even though it may seem "routine" to them, it is anything but routine to a woman who has lost her child, no matter how far along she was.

    What a beautiful review! Sending much love to you!!

    • Janine Huldie says

      Kathy, I know you and I talked about this when the book was first released and I am so with you on this. I truly hope that doctors (especially the one that I had at that time) do read and get a better understanding that this anything, but routine to a woman and no matter how far along a loss is that is is still a terrible thing to happen and handle the person who has gone through it with care and feeling, too. Love right back at you and thank you again for sharing your story in this wonderful book 🙂

    • Janine Huldie says

      Thank you Diane for saying such kind words here. Trust me and like I have said to a few others as much as I have gotten past the shock over the years, I still am not sure how he could have treated a patient suffering a loss that way. I hadn't really shared this part of the story in so long and reading this book gave me the courage todo so and to feel for the first time in a long time that it was ok to grieve the loss and know I wasn't alone.

  9. Billybuc says

    Sounds like a wonderful book, Janine. It is so important to raise awareness about things like this so people do not feel alone if it happens to them.

    Have a great day!

  10. NuggetOnABudget says

    Janine, I remember you telling me that you lost your first baby as well to miscarriage and I'm so glad you decided to share your story here. Another way that I feel such a deep connection to you and love having you as my friend. We truly have so much in common! And because of that, I think we understand each other and can relate to each others' lives. I'm so thankful for you 🙂 As a mom going through the same loss before, I totally can understand how you felt and how it's so easy to recall every moment of those dark days. But now, I think of that first baby as a blessing that allowed me to have the two lovely girls that I do have. And I know you feel the same. Hugs to you mama! xoxo

    Oh, and I'll definitely need to read this book now. Thanks for sharing it and hope your week is off to a good start 🙂 Love you!
    My recent post the PINcentive blog hop: week 7.

    • Janine Huldie says

      Kera, it is funny how much we do have in common and you are right it only makes me love you more and be so very grateful for our friendship. I knew when I read this book, I needed to share it here and as I started to my story just came tumbling out. I will say it was very therapeutic to indeed get it out here. And I really am so thankful to these brave women for sharing their stories and know in my heart it will help others to read, too. Hope you do get a chance to read it and trust me you won't be sorry. And hugs right back and wishing you a wonderful week, too!! 🙂 Love you xoxo!

  11. realhousewife says

    So sorry to hear that happened to you too. I had a similar experience in 1994…it was terrible. I was a mess! They told me I'd never have children anymore. 7 years later…we had Sydney…a year after that…Maddy! I had given up too. That was such a nice surprise!!

    Thank goodness we got our girls now!!

  12. Lanaya says

    Oh mama … my heart just breaks whenever I hear stories of moms that go through losses in pregnancy. What an ass of a doctor! I would have told him to go to hell to. Jerk!
    But … everything worked out and you have two gorgeous, amazing girls to smile at each day. {Even if they are driving you nuts!}
    Love you mama

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    Raising-Reagan.com

    • Janine Huldie says

      Thanks Lanaya and so needed to be friends with you back then, because I was just in shock and let it go with him. I didn't even want to ever go back there or see him again as a doctor. But I wish I would have confronted him or at least had you do it, because I have no doubt you would have told where to go and then some. But so true, as are just so lucky and blessed to have our girls now for sure!! 🙂 xoxo!

  13. tamaralikecamera says

    It's weird to say I can't wait to read it, because I know how heavy it is and it will be difficult. However I know so many of those writers and they're just so exquisite, that I really can't wait to read it – mainly to understand them and their losses more.

    And you. Chemical pregnancies are a tough loss. I haven't had one, that I know of, but two good friends did in the last year. And they both went on to have cute little squirts after. Like you.

    Wish I could hang out with you today!
    My recent post And At The End Of The Day..

    • Janine Huldie says

      I know it was definitely a lot to process, but being that I knew many of these women, too Tamara, I knew I had to read to indeed get to know them that much better. I never been happier that I did, because the stories are truly amazing and told beautifully by each woman. So happy to hear that your friends did indeed go onto to have healthy, beautiful babies, too after experiencing chemical pregnancies. And god how I wish we could hang out today and everyday, too!! 🙂

  16. Growing Up Madison says

    That doc was the worst. I would have told everyone I knew never to see him. What a jerk! I'm so sorry you had to go through that experience. I've never had a chemical pregnancy so I can't claim to know how you feel but I know it couldn't have been good. I'm happy everything worked out in the end though. That sounds like another book I may just have to download and read. I've been quietly collecting books authored by bloggers. 🙂
    My recent post Co-Host: Pampers Gift of Sleep Giveaway

    • Janine Huldie says

      Thank you so much for all your kind words here and I can honestly say you are right he was areal jerk (MD license or not), but seriously hope you do download this book, because it was truly written from first hand experiences and these women are nothing short of amazing to me to indeed share their personal tales here for others.

  17. Wendy May says

    That doctor has no business being a doctor. Unfortunately, he treats it as a business, no bedside manner.
    So happy for you, for what you now have.

    The book seems to be a good read, I'll have to read. Thanks for sharing!

    • Janine Huldie says

      Thank you Wendy and sometimes I guess even though someone shouldn't be a doctor by their bedside manner they still are. I am just s glad that I did find my now doctor, because he is the furthest from that as possible!

  18. kissingthefrog says

    Your story sounds so much like mine! The positive line on my first pregnancy test was so faint, I didn't even see it at first. And my obgyn, who I had been going to for years and really liked, was so cold about it. In fact, she didn't even see me or talk to me – just let the nurse handle it. For someone who is in the business of this, they really should be better about delivering that heartbreaking news. I found a new doctor as well. Hugs to you, and thanks for the great review!

    • Janine Huldie says

      Kathy, I will be honest I never knew anyone before this that went through such a similar situation with a chemical pregnancy and poor treatment their doctor at that time. I am truly so sorry you had to go through similar, but think it sounds like could relate more to what I did go through then probably most if not all. I completely agree with you on handling news of this nature better and more care. I remember looking at the phone that day and thinking, "Did he really just hang up?" It was so bizarre to me and then all the emotions that came with it after were just plain awful. Hugs right back at you my friend and seriously was absolute pleasure to read, review and share here. My hat is off to you and the others for sharing their stories so beautifully and genuinely. Thank you again!!! 🙂

  19. flemily says

    This was a great review Janine! I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but I'm also glad you did not go back to that cold doctor — it's amazing to me how some docs have such terrible bedside manner! I can see how this book will be such a huge support to those who have gone through such hard losses…
    My recent post One Hour Of School A Day?!?

    • Janine Huldie says

      Thank you so much Emily for saying that, but I was just so humbled to read these women's stories and knew I had to share here. They really just spoke to me as a woman and also as a woman, who did indeed experience a loss.

  20. notinjersey says

    I'm so sorry you went through this and thanks for sharing your story and the book. I actually had a doctor tell me I was probably going to miscarry when I was pregnant with Zachary – it turned out I just wasn't as pregnant as I thought – but it was really scary to hear and doctors should do so the right way! I'm sorry you didn't have a comforting doctor to help you through.
    My recent post It’s Okay #5 Featuring Infographic From Marriott

    • Janine Huldie says

      Now, I am sorry you were told that when you were pregnant with Zachary. No one should be told that, if it isn't indeed true and even to be told it when you are still such an awful thing to hear. Thank you though for your kind words and again so sorry you went through that, too.

  21. Sandy Ramsey says

    I never know what to say to someone who has lost a pregnancy and a baby. I am sorry never seems like enough. And to think on top of the loss you had an uncaring ass of a doctor. My heart breaks for you and I know that there's a little empty place left even if you did make it through and have two extremely beautiful baby girls. I am so glad that you found comfort in this book and the review you have written shows just how therapeutic it was for you. Thank you for sharing with us and know that I am sending you tons of love right now! I know some folks who would probably greatly benefit from this book and I will be certain to pass it along!
    My recent post Blog Soup Challenge Day Twelve: The Most Shocking Thing

    • Janine Huldie says

      Thank you Sandy for all your kindness here and seriously was so therapeutic indeed. And also appreciate you passing this on to others who might be in need, because I was truly hoping that by sharing it could help anyone who may be in need of help. Just the knowledge that others did go through similar did help me so many years after.

  22. Kristi Campbell says

    I'm so very sorry that you went through pregnancy loss, too (me too). What a wonderful book review though and I agree that I wish I had more of a support group back when it happened. The internet is amazing – able to connect a bunch of writers, put them into a book and voila – support group.

  24. stephsprenger says

    Thanks for the great review of this book! I know you and I have talked about this before, so I will try not to be redundant. But all I can say is, I'm glad you found a new doctor. Seriously.
    My recent post A Letter to my Second Grade Daughter

  25. Kim says

    Thank you so much for sharing this. Before I was pregnant for my son, I had no idea a) how hard it is to conceive in the first place and b) how many women experience loss. It's something we don't talk about but I think we should because support would be easier to find.

    • Janine Huldie says

      Kim, I know before I got pregnant for that first time that I did have the chemical pregnancy I had no idea how hard it was for many to conceive and never imagined I would have any issues. Well, I not only had a chemical pregnancy, but with my first I had to be induced because of fluid loss and then with my second I had a high risk pregnancy having placenta previa being on bed rest for part of it. So, I totally agree that it is something we should totally talk more about and support each other.

  26. Nellie says

    Wow Janine. Thank you for sharing your story. I had progesterone issues with my second baby and I was a nervous wreck until I hit the 13 week mark. I am so sorry for your loss. The book sounds amazing. I am going to add it to my never ending list of books to read.
    My recent post Blogalicious 5 – Day 2

    • Janine Huldie says

      Thank you Nellie for sharing that here with me. I really never realized when I was on progesterone how many women were on it and had issues with this. Now, I have heard quite few say this and can totally understand why you were nervous and trust me I think I would have been basket case if stayed on it had it not have been a chemical pregnancy.

  27. tiffanigoff says

    I hate doctors with a horrible bed side manner. I mean what a terrible way to break the news to you. So glad you got a new doc and were gifted with 2 beautiful girls. xoxo
    My recent post Why do I always do this?

  28. Blond Duck says

    We had a chemical pregnancy, and I've been trying to conceive since with no luck. Some tell me I should be lucky because it's not a miscarriage, but people don't understand how hard it is when you want a baby so bad and get that brief moment of joy. I'm so sorry it happened to you too.
    My recent post If I were a man…

    • Janine Huldie says

      I am so sorry this happened to you, too. And you are so right about that brief moment of joy. I honestly wanted to be pregnant so very badly, too and this totally crushed me at the time. I did get pregnant 2 cycles after successfully, but those two months I was a complete mess hormonally. I truly feel for you and just know I am thinking of you. Major hugs your way! 🙂

  31. gigigirl says

    I never knew about this Janine. So sorry you had to go through all that. I'll have to learn more about "chemical pregnancy" – a totally new term for me. But you have two beautiful girls and that's a blessing. You are very brave to share it here and to recommend the book for those who share this kind of loss. Love you……xxoo

    • Janine Huldie says

      I thought I did tell you this awhile back when it had happened or at least afterwards, but yes you are right so much good has come after, but I just couldn't help, but share this here in hopes it may help someone else! Love you, too xoxo 🙂

      • gigigirl says

        Sorry if you told me and I'm not recalling. I would think I would remember this, but these days, I can't swear to anything! But I'm glad you got through it and past it and have Emma and Lily to have and hold. And Kevin by your side. Love you…….xxoo

      • Janine Huldie says

        Thanks Aunt Gloria and no worries these days anything is possible with me, too. I swear if my head wasn't attached I would so lose it somedays. Love you too xoxo!! 🙂

  32. Amy P says

    You know it is so sad that something so dear and exciting for you to begin with was treated with such coldness. I am so sorry that you were treated that way. There is never an excuse for a doctor to act that way. I find that is when they are tired of their job and lost their passion. It is hard to have a loss and I experienced one previously while leaving a late night shift….unforgettable moment and indeed heartwrenching. I love that so many women are coming together to share their experiences and thank you for sharing it.
    My recent post Lots of DIY Costumes for Boys and Girls

    • Janine Huldie says

      Amy, I am so sorry you too experienced a loss. I felt empowered by this book and it truly did help me want to share my whole story here, as well as allow to feel all that I once felt, but put it in its proper perspective (if that makes sense). As for my ex-doctor, I am just glad now that I know what he wasn't capable of being and that was a supportive and caring doctor, when I did indeed get pregnant again like my now doctor, who delivered both my girls. God how I thank god for that doctor and knowing that it was because of this I found him.

  33. Jamie@southmainmuse says

    I miscarried (at seven weeks) six months after we had adopted our daughter. Ironically, I miscarried the day we went to the courthouse to finalize her adoption. I remember thinking it wasn't good. But I didn't want it to mess up the joy of that day. I was very, very hard for me to emotional bounce back. Maybe because he had tried all the infertility treatments and to become pregnant I was stunned. Like you, it was so very traumatic. I would have taken such comfort and maybe been able to grieve more effectively if I could have had something like this to read. It will be such a great resource.

    • Janine Huldie says

      Jamie, I am so sorry to here that this happened to you and when it did. I can't even imagine going through it and still having to try to put on a good face. I must say that even after all this time this book helped me and made me feel better just knowing others went through similar. So, if you get a chance, I would totally recommend downloading and reading, because I think this is something you could relate to and may even make you feel a better (like it did for me) reading.

  34. Janine Huldie says

    Thank you so much Amy and I seriously can tell you that even though it was over 5 years ago, this book still helped heal some wounds that I had buried. So, I truly do think that this is such a wonderful read for all who may have indeed experienced a loss.

  35. Janine Huldie says

    Again thank you Amy and will tell you that I was so happy to see an e-mail of a new post from you the other day. I have missed you and so glad to see you back. By the way, huge congrats again, your little guy is absolutely adorable!! 🙂

  37. cgacad says

    i have this on my book list and looking forward to reading all the stories, as they're written by some bloggers that i read. thanks janine for the write-up.

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