This Mom's Confessions

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Letter to My Girls About the Mean Girl

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To my innocent and kind-hearted daughters,

I look at your sweet and naive faces. In doing so, I realize that as you are growing up. But since you are, you will encounter the so-called mean girl in due time now.

See the mean girl isn’t a myth or fairy tale, such as the wicked step-sisters in Cinderella.  She is so very real. Plus, just when you think you have overcome her, she will multiple. She will also find her clone around the next corner.

I guess I should start at the beginning though. Since you have indeed yet to deal with your first mean girl.

So, what is a mean girl?

A mean girl is a bully, who will use mental warfare and aggression to drag you down every chance she can get.

She may even start as a friend in disguise. But make no mistake she will show her true colors before long.

And when she does, look out!

She will manipulate any situation, as well as others she can. Why? To gain the upper hand to ensure that she will be the victor of all the spoils.

I wish I could tell you that you will never have to deal with the dreaded mean girl. But sadly I know better at my age.

However, why are mean girls so mean?

By now, you might be wondering as you read this letter what makes mean girls tick.

Well, quite simply one word and only one word comes to mind – JEALOUSY!

A mean girl truly has very little self-confidence. She also is always looking to steal your thunder. Why? Because at the heart of the matter is good old-fashioned jealousy.

So, as mom’s once-favorite show, Friends tells it, “You need to be to your wind keeper and not let anyone steal your wind!”

Still don’t get me wrong, the mean girl tactics may have evolved since I was your age. How? With the bonus of technology, such as nasty, vile text messages and more.

But the reasoning and logic behind a mean girl’s motives haven’t changed at all.

So the more things may have changed since I was your age, the more they stay the same.

So then how do you beat a mean girl at her own game?

Letter to My Girls About The Mean Girl

1.  Ignore, ignore, ignore.

If you give a mean girl and her antics play, you are only adding fuel to her already growing fire.  You need to try your best to hold your head high and ignore her to indeed squash her mean girl ways like the annoying gnat that she truly is.

[Tweet “Ignore, ignore, ignore + 4 more tips on how to beat the #meangirl at her own game.”]

2.  Be confident.

No matter what, make sure to not let her get under your skin.  This is easier than it sounds, but still so crucial.  Make sure to look her right in the eye, even smile to let her know that you are a bigger, better person than she is at all times and that you aren’t a fool in knowing full well what she is all about.

3.  Use your brains to outsmart her.

You are bright and capable young girls, who not only have a vast vocabulary at your means and ready but need not forget this when verbalizing your feelings with the mean girl.  So, use your brains and outsmart her whenever possible.  Trust your dear old mom, when I say that the mean girl most likely won’t be the brightest lightbulb in the package and this is truly where you can shine if you only believe in yourself.

4.  Find her Achilles heel.

Everyone has one and the sooner you do find the mean girl’s weakness or proverbial kryptonite, I give you my permission to use it to your advantage. Whatever it is, I promise you she won’t have a comeback for it and won’t know what hit her!

5.  Remember this too shall pass.

Like I said earlier, your latest mean girl will not be your current mean girl 20 years later or even 5 years from now, but again understand that even after this mean girl is long behind you, another one will sprout up as sure as the sun rises every morning.  The trick here is learning from this experience and being one step ahead of the next mean girl on the horizon.

When all else fails, I am here.  I have been through the trenches and back myself. So now I impart my years of experience upon you.  And I have your back no matter what and will always. Because quite simply you had my heart from the get-go and are my girls.

Love always,

Your Mom (Who has Battled Her Fair Share of Mean Girls)

Signature 2015

 

*This article also appeared with permission on Huffington Post Parents.

About Janine

Janine is a published author of the books, The Mother of All Meltdowns and Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee. She has been featured on The Huffington Post, Mamapedia, Today Parenting Team and SheKnows. She also runs her own graphic design company at J9 Designs.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Bev says

    I definitely worry about dealing with this one day, or worse, having my own daughter become one of those mean girls! I think bullying has become so much worse since we were kids because it’s so pervasive when it moves to the online world. These are really great tips for dealing with them, I will hold on to this post for future reference! (But hoping I won’t need it!)

  2. Liza | @aMusingFoodie says

    The mean girls started in the early elementary school years. I was so shocked! “Have courage and be kind” is definitely the message we’ve been sending to our daughter, and for the most part it’s been effective when she’s faced another girl (or boy) who is being mean for…who knows what reason. We’ve also found ignoring behavior to be super effective since most mean people are simply looking for attention. 🙂

    • Janine says

      Liza, I know I just can’t believe that the mean girl seems to be cropping up younger and younger. We haven’t quite encountered her here yet, but something recently sparked the thought in my head and felt I needed to get my feelings out about this here.

  9. Rabia @TheLiebers says

    I hate that we even have to teach this lesson! Ignore those girls is what has mostly worked with Frances. She has also worked with teachers and administrators to help brainstorm ideas to stop bullying. As a backup, I give these girls the “I’m on to you, you little brat” glare whenever I see them. Then I smile, so they’re confused. Is that wrong?!?!

  10. Kim @ HappyPrettyBlog says

    Great advice! Bullying is so different now than it was when we were kids before the internet (OMG that makes me feel old!) but dealing with them remains the same. I haven’t had to deal with it yet but I know I will be heartbroken if my kids are bullied OR if they are bullies themselves!

  11. Bill says

    It was easier raising a boy. I just taught my son to hit the bully and deal with the consequences. 🙂 It’s called old-school communication.

    Sounds like your words of advice and probably better than mine. LOL

    Have a wonderful Monday, Janine.

  12. Echo says

    I worry about when my kids will have to deal with this. Thank you so much for writing this letter and including those tips that will be helpful for dealing with any bully, not just the mean girl!

    • Yankee Burrow says

      I totally agree….the bullying started in 3rd grade for my daughter. and despite her ignoring it, or reporting it, it just got worse, and physical. So we pulled her and are homeschooling her. She went from an outgoing 5 year old, to a scared 8 year old, to an angry 11 year old (when we pulled her from public school). She is now, once again, a happy and outgoing and secure 14 year old. Bullies today are ruthless.
      Debbi

      • Janine says

        Debbi, I really just so sorry to hear the effect that bullying did have on your daughter, but truly happy to hear that homeschooling did help and has been a positive experience after being treating so poorly in the public school setting. Thank you so much for sharing that with me here today.

  14. April G says

    I don’t remember battling any mean girls and bullies were non-existent to my knowledge. Granted, they say if you don’t know a bully, then it was you. Not sure I agree. Beautiful letter. Right on point.

  15. Emily says

    This is a sweet and wise letter to your girls…although I only have boys, believe it or not, I have had similar conversations with them about “mean boys” because they exist too! In the end, dealing with the “mean” boy or girl does help our kids become stronger, because it teaches them how to deal with bullies and stand up for themselves. Oh and the other thing? Years later, if or when you encounter a mean girl who may have bothered you when you were younger, chances are that karma caught up with her — I saw it at my own high school reunion and like they say, “karma can be a bitch.” 🙂

    • Janine says

      Emily, I agree, “Karma is totally a bitch” and love that addition. Also, learning more and more here today that this isn’t limited just to girls, which is definitely a new lesson for me.

  16. Beth Teliho says

    great advice! you’re a good momma, Janine!

    (also, totally off subject, but from a total tech savvy chic (that would be you) to a sad little rookie (that would be yours truly) how did you get that quote tweet embedded in your post?) you can IM me if you want, or answer here. up to you, and thanks in advance! xo

  17. Kim says

    What a great letter! My hope is that your girls never need any of this advice (I know – fantasy land). Sad that there are so many mean girls (people) and even worse that the meanness seems to start at a younger and younger age!

  18. Becky Blades says

    No surprise that this generated so many heartfelt comments. It’s one of the toughest parts of parenting. My views have pretty much been covered by others.

    One confession, with girls now 19 and 22: the mean girl shoe can slip onto the other foot (for all kinds of reasons), and moms are the last to know it. We need to stay open minded and help our daughters be patient and kind when swept up in group peer pressure.

    • Janine says

      Becky, you said a mouthful on the other end of this and sadly actually had a dealing with this, when my daughter was in pre-school over a year ago. So, couldn’t agree more and hoping that she learned her lesson on that end. Time will tell. Thank you 😉

  21. Erin says

    This topic is definitely on my list of things I’m dreading (now that I have a little girl). I can only hope I give her the confidence to handle it, and even more so I hope she knows she can talk to me about it (and everything else for that matter) I like the tips, I’ll remember them when she’s older (she’s not even 3 yet but these days will be here soon!!

  22. Jill Ginsberg says

    Even my 5th grade boy has mean boys in his class. They were ganging up on one of their mutual friends and they wanted my son to join in, but he refused to take sides since they were all his friends. I was so proud of him. And the other boys actually seemed to respect him more for taking a stand.

  23. Kenya G. Johnson says

    Very good advice. I’ve said some very similar things to my son about someone in his class that gets on his nerves. The boy isn’t a bully he’s just annoying. I’ve said he does that because he knows it bothers you. I used to hear his name practically everyday but I think we’ve finally come to “this too shall pass”. He’ll be crossing his fingers this summer though that they boy isn’t in the same class with him next year.

  24. Eileen Carmody Shaklee says

    Yeah the mean girls start young and it’s a sucky conversation to have to have. But I agree with you, it’s better to prepare them.

  26. Dana says

    Great advice, Janine! My daughter has avoided the mean girls so far – she stayed away from cliques and drama. Some of it is luck, though – when a mean girl sets her sights on you, you just have to deal with it. I hope your girls avoid it too!

  28. Nicolette Brink says

    The sad thing is many of these ‘mean girls’ are imaging the way they see their mothers treat other women…. :/ They learn it from somewhere.

  29. Jill Ginsberg says

    This advice couldn’t be coming from a better person! Former middle school teacher, I’m all ears! Not looking forward to my daughter’s initiation into the world of the mean girl(s), but this advice is super helpful and relevant. Sadly, the bullies are the ones we should feel most sorry for because they are usually the ones hurting the most on the inside.

    • Janine says

      Jill, I couldn’t agree more and if you ever read the book, Wonder, where they first depict it from the kid being bullied and then switch at the end of the book to the bully’s perspective, you would see that you are 110% correct!

  30. Chris Carter says

    They are everywhere. I’m sick about it really. I have been talking with my dear friend who is the mom of my teens in my ministry. I found out about this ‘clapping’ campaign on instragram where the mean girls were planning on forming circles around the ‘whores’ and the people they didn’t like and start clapping. It was on the news too. Apparently this was a nationwide thing too. One girl got clapped through the entire bus ride to school. Her mom is pulling her from school and moving to another school. My friend’s poor girl was terrified to go to school that day because she saw it on instagram and was so afraid because she was a little nerd to them, that they would swarm her and clap.

    Oh how I hate this. Mean girls are everywhere. Great advice Janine!

    • Janine says

      Chris, that upset me so much to hear and poor Cassidy. Seriously, what is the world coming to?! I can’t even and even with all my advice here, I am worry so much even more so hearing stories like this. Hugs and really can’t say enough, what a wonderful mom you are and amazing young girl, Cassidy is, too!

  31. Jack says

    Solid advice. I have had to help my kids deal with this a few times now and it never gets easier or any more pleasant.

    Sometimes people…suck.

    But part of growing up is learning how to deal with all types and kinds of kids and all we can do is try to help our children figure out an effective way for doing so.

  32. julie says

    Sadly it is sometimes the parents too I have 4 kids one nursery and one at the same primary school and two at secondary school. the primary school is a lovely school but there is a small group of woman with there children who don’t even know us or have children in the same classes as mine , who say things about us and to us and find it so funny . The children that are with them the youngest is just 3 years the oldest around 9 are incouraged to join in , As one of the adults is a relative of a dinner lady it is not best for me to report them I do however just ignore them and have my kids do the same . My 10 year old cant understand what we have done wrong so I have to explain that I don’t think we have . Also we are new to the school . I am just hoping that because we don’t give them a reaction that they will eventualy give up.I cant help but wonder how there kids will be in years to come .You are right to worry but I can tell your girls have so much support and love they will be okay .

    • Janine says

      Julie, I hate that this is being done to you and your girls. Seriously, what is wrong with these women that they have to pick on you and your girls. You are right that it is truly a worry of mine and will most definitely be making sure that my girls have all the support if and when they have to deal with anything like this. Thank you for sharing.

  33. Seana Turner says

    I feel like almost all women have been through a “mean girl” experience, which is really saying something, right? It’s just rough, and it is helpful to have a Mom who is sympathetic, and doesn’t expect her daughter to just “shake it off.” It can be very traumatizing… leaving lasting impressions. I think your perspective is right on!

  35. Jen says

    Ugh mean girls! My girls have spent years of their lives playing and hanging with the boys rather than play with the mean girls. You have very wise advice . I have found that basically a strong and supportive family that your daughters can share with is going to be one of the most beneficial things they can have. It helps to make the drama a lot less potent if they can work through it with you.

  36. The Pinterested Parent says

    I encountered my share of mean girls in my day. I was made fun of for being Asian , for being chubby, for my hand-me-downs. It sucks. I hope & pray that my girl never has to deal with this. I hope that this has not started for your two lovelies at this early age. You are a good mama. They are lucky to have you.

    • Janine says

      Kim, thankfully we haven’t had this just yet, but just something that I still nonetheless worries me as they do get older. I really do hope our girls can escape this, but I once again sadly do know the reality. So, again I just had to get my thoughts out on this.

  37. Caryn says

    This post is so real and truly could be useful to combat any bullying -girls or boys. I get worried that since we didn’t have all the devices and social media platforms when we were kids that I won’t know how to guide my own kid through it. Your words are meaningful. I think showing confidence is key, too. That is what I’m trying to instill in my own child…let’s hope it works.

  39. Diane Roark says

    Janine,

    Diana, my youngest and age 12, came home this past Friday almost in tears. She said a couple of girls were being mean to her in one of her classes. When I found out what happened, it made no since. I too believe that they are being mean to her because she is in 7th grade and so little and cute. She weighs about 70 pounds and very short for her age. She is extremely petite. Unfortunate, other girls would probably love to be her size.

    Thanks for sharing!
    I am showing this to Diana.
    Blessings,
    Diane

    • Janine says

      Diane, I am so sorry Diana had this happen to her. Emma is totally small for her age – always was and probably always will be. So, I can totally picture this being similar to Diana as she gets older and my heart is breaking thinking about it. Please give some hugs to Diana from me and if you need to talk, totally here for you, my friend!

  42. Jenny @ Unremarkable Files says

    Ignore, and physically move away from them! Even if you ignore them but stick around, they’ll keep doing it just to get laughs out of their friends and it will still hurt you.

    Another thing I’m realizing is that kids can do stupid or hurtful things without necessarily being “mean girls,” so there can never be such a thing as talking to much with your girls about the importance of always being kind.

  43. LINDSAY KLEIN says

    I think about this often not even having kids, but as a woman!!!! It’s going to be so tough one day to watch a daughter encounter the mean girl……..BUT we all have!!! I remember my mother telling me later in life how she would wait for me to leave when I was bullied and sad, then she’d cry when I couldn’t see her…heart strings AHHH

  44. Kim Uliana says

    I am worried for these days. I hope & pray that my daughter does not have to deal with these girls. I had too much experience with these “mean girls” in my younger years.

  45. Tracy Snyder says

    My sweet teen is dealing with mean girls regularly. She can’t seem to find a best friend because her so called friends turn on her the minute a mean girl gives them attention. My daughter just wants to be friends with everyone!

  46. lisacng @ expandng.com says

    Great advice to your girls! I hope they take it. Kids don’t necessarily want to listen to their parents at a certain age. I’m so glad I didn’t have mean girls or boys in my class when growing up. I can only wish the same for my kids. And that they have the confidence (or stubbornness) to stand up to them!

  47. Allie @ The Latchkey Mom says

    Oh, you nailed it, especially with #s 1 and 2. My daughter has a mean girl in her life and I hate it. It’s so hard, because I am friends with the mean girl’s mom, who seems to think her daughter is always the victim. She totally changes when her mom is around. Make me crazy!

    • Janine says

      Allie, that would make me crazy too and what is up with kids like that? Seriously, sounds like she knows exactly how to play her mom. Just sorry you have had to deal with this at all!

  52. Helen Marie Rivera says

    Great post. My oldest is headed off to high school in the fall and she is super sweet and very naive. Since the day she was born, I wrote in a journal daily (which I plan to give her when she graduates high school) explaining the life around her, things, I’ve encountered and things she might encounter.

  55. Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom says

    Great advice Janine. I especially like you advice of having confidence because that, indeed, can unravel them and get them to lose their footing… because ultimately they are trying to rob you of your confidence. I’ve battled my fair share of mean girls when I was younger… unfortunately it is a reality we must face as we grow up.

    Thanks for sharing.
    xoxo

    • Janine says

      Jennifer, I know it really just is the reality of the situation unfortunately, but in my past experience being confident and showing insecurity really did make a difference. Thank you and xoxo.

  58. Amanda @ Growing Up Madison says

    This reminds me of a post you did sometime last year about mean bloggers on a whole. Guess it all does boil down to jealousy no matter what doesn’t it. Ignoring sometimes doesn’t work and you need to take a stand. Madison isn’t at that age where the kids get mean yet but I will be implementing your tips and tricks along with a few of my own. 🙂

    • Janine says

      You have a great memory and I did write about some of my more personal experiences awhile back, but this was more geared to my girls in general. Hoping we never have to use these for our girls, but still if we do at least we both have some help from our own prior experiences, too.

  59. Tamara says

    Ugh, I’m not ready for this! You can definitely already see it on the playground at school. Mostly with the older kids, but some of the younger ones almost have “mean girl seeds”, I call it. You can tell it will be there.
    Scarlet does NOT have that seed. She once got teased for being only 41 inches. Sob!

    • Janine says

      Tamara, Emma doesn’t have it either, but you are right and can just tell. I would bet the farm that I know which girls will be in the future, too. Just a sixth sense of sorts. And sobbing right with you on this.

  60. Michelle says

    I wrote a post on Mean Girls not to long ago. Would love for you to read it. It hits on some of the same issues you talk about. As a teacher and a mother of three girls, I have seen my share of “mean girls.” It is starting younger and younger. I hope my article will bring you encouragement. Great post.

  61. Marcia @ Menopausal Mother says

    Wish this post was around ten years ago, LOL. My oldest daughter was bullied quite a bit when she stopped being friends with one of the popular girls in school. The rest of the clique ganged up on her. Funny how times changes things, though Now they’re all grown up and friends on Facebook! Great post, Janine, Tweeted!

  62. Aunt Gloria says

    And mean girls become mean old ladies! We never lose them! So your advice is well taken. Fortunately, I am able to keep good people in my circles. Don’t need aggravation any more. I know you will be able to guide the girls well when and if the mean girl comes along. And I know you will support and protect them all the way! Very good advice Janine for moms and all of us. Love……..

  65. Lisa @ Fun Money Finds says

    This is such a great post! I’ve dealt with mean girls too and dread the day my little ones have to go through it (I have two daughters). I’m worried also about the meanness on social media too…at least I never had to deal with that. Hopefully this post will help me if it happens to my girls.

  67. Savvy says

    When I was 12 my best friend turned into a mean girl. She terrorized me for years. I never thought she was jealous of me and still don’t. I am sure she had low self-esteem, but wasn’t capable of seeing that at the time. Thank goodness your girls have a mom like you to help them through this.
    Unfortunately, the mean girls don’t disappear when we are adults – I currently work with one, but I can better see through her weaknesses and stand up for myself. Other staff members who have low self-esteem are not as fortunate. Now that I think about it those that have high self-confidence can deal with her and those that don’t cannot. She ignores the ones with confidence.

    • Janine says

      I very much do think that confidence is such a key factor here in fighting against the mean girl. Thanks for sharing with me and glad you are able to stand up for yourself with you now mean girl though, too.

  68. Betsy @ BPhotoArt.com says

    Great post. I’d also add another one — show compassion and kindness. We never know what paths other people are traveling. That mean girl might be lashing out because she needs to feel important and loved.

    {Thanks for sharing at #SmallVictoriesSundayLinkup – hope you join us again next week!}

  69. Sarah Magnabosco says

    Unfortunately mean girls become mean women. No one wants to have to deal with them but they are a fact of life. Forewarned is forearmed and the sooner they learn to deal with people like that the less they will be hurt by them. Very nice post. 🙂

  70. Ashlee Erban says

    The best advice is to be kind, if the mean girl is so troubled and jealous then teaching your child to go down to a level close to theirs will solve nothing. Why teach a child that because someone is mean that they are stupid and not as good as your child is. We should teach our children to see their own worth and to recognize when another is hurting or being mean out of attention and to be kind in the face of adversity. Easier said than done, I have dealt with my own bullies and it wasn’t easy and I myself have acted inappropriately before I am sure when I had things going on at home. This world could use more compassion and kindness from both sides.

  71. Amanda Mama-Muffin says

    My daughter in kindergarten has a “mean girl” in her class. All year I have told my daughter to continue to be kind. This girl is so young that she wasn’t born this way she
    was taught this. So be kind. Finally after 7 months the little girl told her that she wishes she had friends and was nice like my daughter. Basically she is “jealous” of her. I can’t comprehend how children this young already feel and act this way. What’s going on at home?? Makes me sad yet happy my daughter is coping in a positive way. Hopefully it will help the “mean girl” realize you don’t have to be that way.

    • Confessions of A Mommyaholic says

      My daughter is also in kindergarten and thank god we have yet to lay eyes on the actual mean girl yet, but sounds like you gave your daughter some great advice and so glad so far that it has helped. Just sad though that a kid would be this mean at such a young age over jealousy and completely agree with you.

  72. Nicole Kirch ODonnell says

    My daughter’s first experience with a mean girl was preschool. A 4 year old girl told my daughter not to play with another little girl because she was ugly. My daughter told her that the other little girl was nice and that she liked her. I was standing right there when it happened, and approached the mother of the “mean girl” to let her know that it made that other poor girl feel bad. ( she had cried) and the mother laughed and remarked that the little girl “dressed like a homeless girl ” I was shocked and horrified that the mother wasn’t concerned about her daughter’s behavior. ..but I guess that’s where it starts….at home….

  74. Rhonda Gales says

    Stopping by from Sunday’s Best linkup. Great post. Unfortunately, the world is full of mean girls. I agree, the reason behind it is jealously. I experienced it with my daughter. Jealousy is difficult for a child to understand when they’re young. It’s important that we keep the conversation going and make sure we teach our children to be kind. It all starts at home.

  75. Camille says

    Aww, I dread my kids having to deal with “mean girls.” I remember them all too well from my years in school. I think Kay will do alright, she is a tough little thing. She considers it her duty to protect everyone from the a boy who is a bully in her class, lol. But Bryn is so timid and sweet. I worry about her when she starts school.

  76. karen says

    great letter and so true. I was bullied like you can’t believe and it took me so long to get over it. I am thankful that Dino is friends with everyone and often stands up for those who can’t…not that I want him to fight, but will be proud of him for standing up against bullies.

  77. Catherine Gacad says

    it makes me so sad that girls have to deal with this! i guess there are bullies across genders, but i wonder why i mostly hear about mean girls and not mean boys. hard enough growing up, let alone dealing with mean people.

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