Clawing, hissing and even ready for the attack – Mean Girls!
Over the years being a girl and now a woman, I have learned that females quite often can be down right catty.
My grandfather used to say, “This cat’s got claws!” for mean girls.
And Matchbox Twenty singer, Rob Thomas had it right with his “She’s So Mean” song all about “Mean Girls”…
“I kn-kn-know a girl, she gets what she wants all the time
‘Cause she’s fine
But for an angel, she’s a hot hot mess
Make you so blind
But you don’t mind…Every now and then, she makes you just a little bit crazy
She’ll turn a knife into your back and then she’s calling you baby, crazy” – Rob Thomas
I don’t want to over generalize though to say all women, even the very young like my own daughter (Emma), who just turned five have the capacity to be mean girls (click here for me) and will say that this is not common of all women, but yet a few select few will indeed lower themselves to this type of behavior when dealing with other women or even men, too who they perceive to be threats or are jealous over.
Hell, I have been on the receiving end myself as far back as my teenage years with mean girls.
Mean Girls – A Not So Fun High School Walk Down Memory Lane –
I will never forget an ex-girlfriend (a mean girl in training) allowing herself to be jealous and try to steal my then high school boyfriend from me. She wanted him so badly that she reduced herself to cornering me in our high school hallway to tell me to watch my step (that’s right it was my boyfriend she was after here) and that if I didn’t dump him for her to have her shot out, she would physically beat me up.
She wasn’t any bigger in height or stature then me, nor was she stronger as far as muscles went, but still she thought her physical threat of hair pulling, scratching, clawing and more would put enough fear into me to dump this guy to indeed give her the in road for her to make him hers.
She never did beat me up and began using more mental tactics to try to wear me down when her physical threats didn’t work. I didn’t cave then, somehow I moved on and rose above it. I even continued to date this guy and eventually she gave up her physical and mental threats when she realized I couldn’t care less.
This mean girl incident occurred over twenty years ago and I still can see her enraged face in the heat of the moment and smell the toxic fumes that hung in the air that day from this mean girl moment in time for me. Probably why, I became more friendly with guys then women over the years and more discriminatory of the female friendships, I cultivated as time and years went by (Harry was completely wrong on this in when Harry met Sally, because men and women can be friends).
However, fast forward to the present with the women and male blogging world, which has been so very kind to me (thankful for all that have indeed embraced and become trusted friends) and yet has also found me dealing with my own mean girl drama again as an adult blogging woman and also seen others that I have become close confidential friends with (both female and male bloggers) dealing with their own mean girl counterparts, too.
*I will not out anyone in this article, so if you are looking for more drama with name calling, then don’t read any further, because that is not in my nature or what this article today is about.
If you know me and think you know me, then you should know I am not this type of person I am, nor will you ever find me using my blog or personal image that I worked so hard to build to lower myself to doing this he said/she said game.*
Yet, I sit here contemplating what constitutes and allows other grown adult women to indeed become the mean girl (woman) bullies. That is why this article was truly born. I have had some serious conversations in the past week with more then a few of my blogger friends and also IRL friends to try to understand this.
Hell, my husband (Kevin) has been quoted time and again as saying, he doesn’t have time for the drama (and yet he is a dad to two overly dramatic little girls – hey just saying).
But I digress, having seen real, honest and genuinely good people to the core get hurt from this mean girl mentality and because of it my heart has hurt and ached for them. I want to try to make them feel better and heal their hurt, as well as my own battle scares.
The one underlying notion, I can and have come up with is JEALOUSY! – At the root of all evil is jealousy!
See men when they perceive a jealous threat will possibly punch the other guy and be over it (again much less drama and more then anticlimactic).
Women, on the other hand, may threaten physical violence, but then afterwards will do more damage by using more mental mind fuckery (sorry for the language, but the best word I could use to describe it) – in plain English women use mind games and mental drama to attack their victims.
Sad, but true that when a woman feels a threat or is jealous will create all sorts of drama by using mental warfare to attack their prey – mean girl style!
Gossiping, name calling, and other under handed tactics can get used here.
But one of the worst tactics I have heard of involves having another women befriend the first woman they are trying to bring down and making like this other woman is indeed a friend making them believe they have a confidant before lowering the so-called boom! (This is similar to the scene from Goodfellas, where Robert Deniro tells Ray Liotta about how when you are going to get hit your enemies come to you as friends and you never truly see it coming).
It is also a known fact that many times two girls can play nicely on a playground and then add the third and all hell will break loose. Same concept when trying to get a third woman involved to bring down the original as adults.
Mean girls can strike at any age.
Mean Girls are so covert and underhanded.
I am honest person, who has trouble lying. So I am not a mean girl at heart and don’t get it.
Yet, I grew up in NYC and do have street smarts. I have been told over and over that I am good at reading people for years now. Yet even I folks, have been fooled in the past and probably will again. Some people are that good at being deceptive at their true nature.
Knowing that this still does exist even once a girl grows into a woman, then how can it be dealt with by those who are the prey of these so-called mean girls?
I would call on my own mother for the best and truest advice on anything, including mean girls and asked her recently.
See my mother would say, “By being the bigger person, ignoring and rising above it!”
But how do you ignore, such an inflammatory attack to one’s self esteem and person to indeed rise above it in the end?
Again, my mother would tell me in order to do this you must surround yourself with only those you would trust with your life and have your back irregardless.
But do these people or concept exist?
Yes, they do!
I have found more then a few amazingly, inherently good men and women alike that are trust worthy and have had my back time and again in recent times despite the mean girls that do exist.
I, for one, feel blessed for that and hope those who I speak of feel blessed and bit better off for knowing and calling me a friend, too.
So, there is hope to put an end to the mean girls of in life (as a mom of two young girls I want to have hope for them on this) and blogging (too) and take control of your life once again. And if all else fails swear off women as friends (joking of course)!
And if for all those who are not believing how crazy and yet wonderful life can be when you do have good friends in your corner, check out my podcast (if you haven’t already) over at Lose the Cape here, where my very good blogging my friend, Alexa interviewed me for her series, There’s Just Not Enough Time in the Day, where you can not only here my answers to her awesome questions, but also prove that my day is full of craziness with all the family interruptions that came up during this interview.
Last, but not least I am feeling quite honored and humbled tonight that I received notification, that I was nominated for one of the top 50 Stay-At-Home Mom Blogs at Voice Boks. I was nominated either by another blogger or a staff member. Not sure which, but huge thank you to whoever did and not begging, but if you could spare a vote for me, please click the badge below DAILY (yes you can vote more then once each day!):
Tamara says
Am I the first comment?? This never happens!
Well you know I have your back with everything. I can’t understand how this kind of mentality still exists, but maybe it’s even easier to be horrible or a copycat when you’re hiding behind a computer. Probably even easier than real life.
I didn’t have a huge mean girls problem in my youth, and I don’t now, but I do have a problem with anyone being mean to anyone I love!
Seana Turner says
I just came back from a week at a family camp where the speaker taught on the 7 deadly sins. I think you are right on with jealousy (envy is one of the 7)… it robs us of significance and self esteem. Jealousy feels so awful that it often then lashes out. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been encountering it in the blogosphere, and I am thankful like you that there are so many wonderful bloggers out there who encourage and support and cheer and share. There is always hope!!
thedoseofreality says
Great post. I genuinely believe that so many of these mean girl adults were mean girl teenagers. And then I think there is a group who perhaps were on the outside growing up and now are on the inside and want to wield their power. It is really sad, honestly. I am not into drama at all and feel that there is enough room for everyone in the blogging pool, so to speak! -Ashley
Lisa @ The Golden Spoons says
The mean girl thing drives me crazy! If you do’t like someone, just don’t be friends with them. No need to go spreading rumors, stealing boys, etc. I don’t understand it. In the blogging world, I have, fortunately, been the victim of hurtful comments only a small handful of times. But, my philosophy os alway “Don’t like it? Don’t read it!” Again, no need for hurtful comments or slinging virtual mud at others. With three daughters, it is something I about, but haven’t had to deal with much – yet!
Bill says
Very nice reflections here, Janine. Like your husband, I just don’t have time for the drama. I just kick those people out of my life, and I always say nobody can hurt me as badly as I’ve hurt me, so give it your best shot. 🙂 Have a great Monday.
Sinea Pies says
Janine, I am fortunate that I had a little less of the mean-girl stuff in my life (though there was some of it) but my daughter, Shannon, met up with it a lot. One year, at prom time, she had threats that the mean girls were going to spill paint on her dress if she dared come to the prom. Well, Shannon does not back off from a fight, so she was going to that prom. I prayed all through the evening for PEACE and not a call from the principal, or worse. Thankfully, my prayers were answered. Cannot understand WHY some girls go on the attack like that. They take the joy out of things
Amanda @ Growing Up Madison says
It is so sad that people can be like this. Some people are only brave when they aren’t confronting you. Cyberbullies are what they are. I’m so sorry that if they’re being mean to you that it’s happening. You’re one of the sweetest person I know along with Tamara of course and I love you both. I remember Tamara had her own bit of meanness come her way after winning a giveaway. Jealousy usually ruin friendships when the other person wasn’t genuine to begin with. Sending lots of hugs and love your way.
Niki says
Mean girls are the worst. I do believe it stems from jealousy, but also from those who are just so unhappy with their own lives. I just don’t believe there is any reason to make somebody feel bad. I wish people would step into others shoes and think about how they would feel if the situation were reversed.
Diane Roark says
Janine,
I am so sorry about everything you have been though with mean girls. I pray things go much better for the rest of your life. You are the BEST and so encouraging to me. I am so proud of you for how you handle everything.
Blessings,
Diane Roark
Tamara says
And mean girls don’t get a ton of comments on their posts..
..just saying..
Carrie Groneman says
Janine, thank you for this post and all your insight and advice for any going through this in their own life. You are an inspiration of pressing on and forward, despite the ‘mean’ thorns some throw in your path. I appreciate all you do to lift and inspire others. Carrie, A Mother’s Shadow
lisacng @ expandng.com says
It’s so sad that you’d be in the middle of girl negativity, whether online or in real life. That’s horrible! I am lucky that I haven’t been a part of that, probably because my blog doesn’t have that big of a reach. It seems like the bigger blogger you are, the more you are susceptible to unnecessary and unhelpful criticism. I hope that my kids and your kids are strong enough in their self-worth to overcome any of the drama that occurs in school. I hate that I can’t be at their side but I almost must trust and hope I’ve given them to tools to survive. And I just read the “Heathers” post. I can totally see how that happens even at a young age because girls build relationships based on who’s in and who’s out and getting “in” is difficult. In contrast, boys are always one-upping one another so a boy can be “in” one day, “out” the other, but knows he can be “in” again. For girls, it seems pretty final. I’m glad you and Kevin took the time to explain it to Emma. I’m sure she meant no harm by her initial reaction.
Rosey says
It’s easy for me to rise above it now. That wasn’t always the case. My daughter is 15 right now, and she gets such mental anguish if she comes across a mean girl (and she has a time or two). I wish I could make it easy for her to rise above and ignore it, and we’re working on it. I’ll be so glad when the day comes that such things mean nothing at all to her.
Christy Birmingham says
What a wonderful post here, Janine. I find some women can be very catty and you’re quite right when you say that it’s likely jealousy. I have a ‘no drama’ policy in my life, just like you and Kevin! No wonder you and I get along so well 🙂 GREAT post!
Tenns @ New Mama Diaries says
You know Janine, I’ve never been a big girls-girl, always being weary of other females. I found that from a young age that girls/women can be catty and jealous, and that’s just not me. I come from a large extended family of lots of girls, but grew up with just my two brothers, so interaction with females who were my same age outside of school was minimal. To this day, I keep my circle small when it comes to females, because I just can’t take the jealously, drama, and cattiness…such a waste of time. I’ll definitely have to prepare myself for if and when I have a daughter and she has to deal with some of these issues, whether she’s on the mean girl side or the other side.
Bianca says
I cannot stand mean girls. I had some drama with mean moms last year & I guess it’s true that some people grow old, not up. I agree that jealousy is the root of mean girls.
Bianca says
Sorry, my comment published before I was done. I wanted to say that after dealing with so many mean girls in middle school, I was SO glad to have a bunch of guy friends in high school. No drama there. Even now, I keep my friend circle really small because it’s very hard for me to trust people unfortunately.
Bev says
Oh man, this reminds me of the summer at sleepaway camp when I was 13. Absolutely miserable, the girls who I had been friends with for summers before were so MEAN! And then perfectly fine the next year. But astounds me that grown woman still do this! It’s crazy to me some of the things people write online, and even crazier that this stuff happens in person (though, I suppose, a lot of it also happens behind people’s backs). Thankfully I know that if I were to be on the receiving end of this online I have an amazing community of fellow bloggers who would be there to support me, just as I would be there for them (including you, of course!)
Nellie @ Brooklyn Active Mama says
Awesome post mama. I love how you shared you views here. Like you already know because I have blogged about it maybe too many times, the mean girls never really go away. Folks don’t even understand how to act sometimes! Just keep going, you’re so successful and people just don’t even know how to handle that!
Kim says
I just don’t understand why anyone feels the need to be a mean girl (or guy)!!! It doesn’t do anything to elevate their status – just causes sadness for others! I’m so sorry that you have been part of any mean girl incidents now or in the past – you are one of the very nicest people I know!!
Anna Fitfunner says
Voted!
Nice article on Mean Girls. I’ve found that I’ve had fewer mean girl problems as I grow older mostly because have less patience for the MG mentality. Nowadays, when I run across MG, I think “grow up!”, and move on with my life.
I like the Goodfellas reference. I’ll have to watch that movie again!
Pure Grace Farms says
Unfortunately those who are involved in this kind of mentality are usually trying to cover up their own massive insecurity. It is so sad. When I look at their behaviour from this standpoint, it doesn’t feet so personal. Understanding and allowing yourself to be abused are two different things. Take the high road and love the “sinner” anyway while protecting your heart. You will be all the better for it.
Blessings,
Shari
Aunt Gloria says
Glad to report I’ve had few Mean Girls experiences. And for the most part, I think I followed your mother’s advice instinctively. It works most of the time but there are times when it can get to you. So….follow the advice from Frozen…..Let It Go! Love you…..xxoo
Brittnei says
I honestly hate this. Recently reading a few posts from other bloggers about their experience at blog conferences showed that some people are mean to others or want to be condescending simply because they have ego problems and want to feel like they are better. I’ve heard this happens at blog events A LOT. It makes me sad that people get this way over something like blogging. But, as you said, the reasons for being “a mean girl” don’t really change in girls or women. It really stems from the same issues no matter what the age is of the person. I just hope and pray no one ever looks at me this way. I don’t think they would, but sometimes our actions are misconstrued to mean something else. I try so hard to be extra careful. I just hate the idea now of hurting someone’s feelings especially if I was careless in one moment or other with my words or actions. You are such a gem for writing this post. I am right there with you in reaching people who have dealt with this to let them know they are not alone. 🙂
Alexa says
Oh Janine… this post. It really hit me, today especially, as we think about depression and suicide, and the number of young girls who have actually killed, or thought about killing themselves because of the mean girls and bullying. It’s really quite tragic. I’ve never understood how and why people can be so mean. The whole internet “troll” thing – it’s just ridiculous. I’ve seen comments on social media and blogs that just made my head nearly roll off. If you don’t like something, go somewhere else! No one is chaining you to a computer to read something. Why do you have to be hurtful? You can still counter an argument if you’d like to without being a total assmunch! So yes, I hear you… and I have dealt with my own fair share of mean girls, but I guess luckily, I never really cared about most of them, and I was happy being the nerd. Except in two cases. Once, when one girl tried to turn all of my friends against me in high school, and another time when someone tried to start a rumor in high school that I was gay. I just didn’t understand. I am trying so hard to teach my children to be kind and passionate. Whew! I basically just wrote a blog post back to you! 🙂 Great topic.
Chris Carter says
AH! First of all- I am all up in ARMS ready to battle anyone who would EVER intend harm on YOU of all people, Janine!! You nothing but a source of love and light, and it makes my heart hurt just thinking about you having to endure any ‘mean’ anything…
Sigh.
I think this is one of my favorite pieces from you, my sweet friend!!
I don’t do mean. Period. It’s an impossible feat to keep as far away as possible from that nastiness… but I try. BUT- when there is a bold and aggressive display of hate or hurt I will step in. I must.
Women especially can be our greatest enemy- and I always believe the adage “Hurt people hurt people.” So I pray for them. Because somewhere deep within, they are hurting, or else they wouldn’t be striking out like they do.
Insecurity, pain, need for attention, jealousy…. anger. Miserable people are mean.
I work very hard to NOT engage if I read or see or hear or am the recipient of such affairs. It’s not worthy of my heart, my effort, my energy, my time. And it certainly is not deserving of attention…which is usually their need.
Let me know if I can DO ANYTHING for you in this situation. Okay?
LOVE YOU!
Rea says
Oh gosh. You know I’m kinda scared of having a daughter because of the mean girls thingy! I can just imagine you being so protective of your girls which is totally understandable. I was a top student back in grade school and there’s this group of girls who kept on bothering me. Well I didn’t care about them! Hahah. So it’s good that you rose above your own mean girls experience too!
Kate says
People can definitely hide behind the computer now and that is scary- for blogging and for kids in school dealing with Facebook, etc. Sadly, as you say, mean girls are everywhere!
Tara Newman says
Some people never mature and some people are too broken to live without professional jealousies. The truth is most people can see through there BS. Even if you aren’t able to at first, it eventually becomes evident. And not only do you see it but other people see it as well. Living well and living authentically is the best retribution. And like I learned in high school, on the mean streets of Long Island, sometimes you have to throw a few punches!
Robin (Masshole Mommy) says
I was bullied back in the day, so I think back to that and it makes me so angry that I let people get away with that.
Rabia @TheLiebers says
I don’t get the “mean girl” thing either, but I have seen plenty of it. The internet make sit all too easy for people to complete lose their filter and say whatever hateful things come to their minds first. I’m glad you are teaching your girls to be different from that!
Catherine Gacad says
unfortunately i think ‘mean girls’ are a fact of life. this is why i have a ton of male friends. there is so little drama when it comes to my guy friends. i had 6 friends in my bridal party and half of them were men. people thought that was so weird, but why not? sometimes men are the bestest friends that a woman can have. they really do provide a drama-free perspective (just like your husband!). i love how you stood up to the mean girl from your past. i’m certain you will raise your daughters to be confident and strong-minded just like you 🙂
Lizzy - Muddle-Headed Mamma says
This is such an interesting read Janine, but it makes me so sad to think that people would be horrible and hurt you purely out of jealousy. I’ve never attended a blogging conference or even met another blogger IRL. I live on the opposite side of Australia from where all the major blogging conferences take place and in a way I’m actually glad of that because I don’t know how I would react if someone was standoff-ish or just plain mean. I do remember in the week after a big Australian blog conference last year reading on a couple of blogs how shocked some of the bloggers who attended were at how rude some of the other attendees were towards them. It’s just crazy – why would you attend something like that just to be rude and make other people feel like crap?! Now if I ever get to meet you in person, I promise I won’t be mean 🙂