This Mom's Confessions

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Soon – When I Blink, Here I Am

back to school· Being a mom· Family Life· Kids Posts· Lily· parenting· parenting two kids· school

Soon, I will have peace and quiet reign for my mornings and afternoons.

Soon, I will not get interrupted mid thought stream for hours on end.

Soon, I will have my days be all mine to get my work done or run errands solo.

Soon, I will have my work hours be as close to office hours as they ever have been.

Soon, I will not have a mid day lunch date break with a little person.

Soon, I will not be a school chauffeur, as bus rides will be the norm for both my kids.

Soon, I will have two kids in school full time for 6 hours daily with one in kindergarten and the other in First Grade.

Soon When I Blink I Am Here

See, this week marks the end of an era for me with kindergarten orientation for my youngest on our agenda.

Once a upon a time ago, I was a middle teacher before becoming the mom I am now, who made the hard, but right decision to stay home with her babies, because it was what made sense for her family. 

So now, I have been home now for almost 5 years, where I have found purpose in my writing and designing, where someone has always kept me company for at the very least some part of the day.

I don’t truly recall what more than an hour or so of alone time even looks like.  I have become accustomed to working around one or both of my kids home for some portion of my work day.

Yet, with my youngest indeed entering kindergarten in the fall, I am going to find out for better or worse what prolonged alone time looks like.

Don’t get me wrong, I am excited for this new chapter for both of us.

Because on one hand, my girl can’t wait to go and when she received the orientation letter excitedly told her big sister, “Look what I got!  Your principal sent it to me and now I am allowed to go to your school.”

On the other, I am also elated to be able to get to write and design websites finally full-time for at least 6 hours with little or no interruption to further build my budding career that I have had to put on hold for the last few years off and on daily to be a mom to whoever was home with me for the moment.

And yet, a part of me is definitely mourning and grieving for the end of the baby, toddler and even pre-school years for my girls.

See my once babies are definitely no longer babies with kindergarten commencing this fall for my youngest.

How can this be?

I blink to close my eyes tightly and I feel like it was just yesterday that I was so very pregnant with my oldest, while anxiously and suspenseful awaiting her birth.

Me 8 months pregnant back in 2009 at my baby shower

Me 8 months pregnant back in 2009 at my baby shower

And now I blink again to have it be almost 6 years later, when we will be celebrating her 6th birthday any day.

Emma Proudly Holding Her Painting

And now she is almost 6 years old…

I blink once again only to picture myself hugely pregnant for the second and last time alongside my 16 month old baby, who is arching and propping her little hands on her back to mimic my pregnant, waddling walk, only to stop to kiss my big belly, while telling her almost ready to be born baby sister that she couldn’t wait for her arrival.

Almost A Big Sister

Almost A Big Sister…

And yet blinking once more to have that not, quite, born baby be 5 in November and will climb the large, yellow bus steps with an even larger than life backpack with her big sister to head off to school from 9 to 3 daily, which is the longest amount of time we have ever been apart.

This past November, we partied it up for her 4th birthday!

On her way to another birthday in a few short months…

Again, how can this be?

When my oldest started kindergarten this past fall, a part of me most definitely grieved her physically being gone for hours on end daily.

Emma Getting on the Bus

And upwards she went…

Now my heart is pained to loss her counterpart each day for a similar amount of time.

And yet, soon this will be the reality and not just a far off future plan.

Lily in the Spring 2015 on the Slide

Soon, she will be sliding away from me…

I know I should be elated to get back my days and move forward with my career, but honestly admitting that I am not sure I am ready for it.

What will you blink to find next? #parenting

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But like it or not, soon I will not be the mom to anymore babies, but school-aged kids, because life moves fast and when you do blink, here we are.

Signature 2015*A version of this article appeared on The Huffington Post Parents with permission.

 

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About Janine

Janine is a published author of the books, The Mother of All Meltdowns and Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee. She has been featured on The Huffington Post, Mamapedia, Today Parenting Team and SheKnows. She also runs her own graphic design company at J9 Designs.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Allie says

    Oh Janine I know exactly how you feel!!! It’s such a roller coaster of emotions. Both of my boys were in Kindergarten this past year but it was only half day. In September both of them will be all day in first grade. It will be amazing and awful, happy and sad, quiet and crazy. How did my babies turn 6? It just doesn’t seem possible!!

    • Janine says

      Allie, so much a roller coaster ride indeed and I know you and I went through it last year with Emma and your boys, too. I definitely felt similar and yet now that this is my last baby to go through it, I feel like it is heightened even a bit more. Just actually talking though this morning with my husband about Emma’s 6th birthday party and seriously though how are they 6 and heading to first grade, when it was only a year ago that they were our kindergarteners?! Time is totally flying!!!

  3. Yanique Chambers says

    The time does go by so quickly! My daughter starts full day Pre-K in the fall and it’s been a roller coaster of emotions getting use to the idea of having no children home and 6 hours of me time!

  4. Lauren Baker Cormier says

    I totally relate. My second starts kindergarten in the fall too. I’ll still have one home, but I know she’ll be at school before I know it too. As much as it will be nice to have time to do work without feeling guilty, it just seems so empty and quiet here when they’re at school. I don’t want them to grow up!

    • Confessions of A Mommyaholic says

      Lauren, I know it really is a double edge sword, as the alone, quiet work time is truly something that is needed, but still can’t help but mourn that I will not have anymore kids here to break up the work days either.

    • Janine says

      Nellie, I knew you would get this as we have spoken about it with our kids in the past and so glad you do get this, as I definitely feel less alone be reminding this here 😉

  7. Robin (Masshole Mommy) says

    It’s so awesome having both of them in school full time, though. You are going to get so much done.

  9. Meredith says

    Your girls are such angels, Janine! Their pictures always grab my heart! As does the truth of what you speak–I get it and am so right there with you!

    • Janine says

      Aw, thank you again Meredith and your kids are just as much angels, too. Once again, just so glad I am not alone in the least on this <3

  11. Kathy Radigan says

    It’s been four years since my baby started kindergarten and it was such a huge change for me!! I was home with little ones for 10 years and all of a sudden that chapter was over. I felt all the same things you describe, happiness and excitement , for sure. But also grief for a time in my life I really loved. Congratulations to you both on your next great chapter!!

  12. Jill says

    It is truly bittersweet. I was thinking about this very thing yesterday. Many of my boys’ “babyisms” are disappearing from their speech. It makes me proud and sad at the same time.

  14. Chris Carter says

    I know… oh how I know this Janine!! My firstborn is turning TWELVE on Wednesday…. TWELVE!!!

    Blink…

    It’s truly unbelievable what happens in each blink!!

  15. Ginny Marie says

    It is very strange to be in an empty house when you are so used to having someone to take care of all the time! I still find it strange sometimes when I come home from my morning job and my two are still at school.

    • Janine says

      I am starting to realize that it is so going to be and definitely have mixed feelings as you can see from here.

  16. Seana Turner says

    I can certainly relate to this! Soon, when I blink, my baby will be heading off to college. Talk about quiet time… I have to admit, mostly sad about this one. Happy for her, but sad for me. I think I’m going to be road tripping a bit to visit:)

  17. Diane Roark says

    Janine,

    I blinked this past Saturday and Casey graduated from high school. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. I will blink again on August 8, 2015 and he will be gone to college. I will only have two kids at home and I know they too will be gone soon. LOVE, KISS, AND HUG YOUR KIDS OFTEN. They will grow up. We cannot stop it we can only prepare them to be the best they can be.
    Blessings,
    Diane

    • Janine says

      I knew you would totally get this, especially after this past weekend. Hugs to you and huge congrats to Casey again!!! 🙂

  18. Jen says

    Such a transition! It has been 13 years since I have been alone during the day. We have preschool looming in the next few years so I will get an hour here or there, but I just am not quite sure what I will do with myself. It is an exciting prospect though! We first have to survive the all day, all week with them summer, right?

  21. Rosey says

    They do grow up in a blink. The next time you blink they’ll be graduating college. Been there, done that one too. 🙂

  22. Bill says

    And I blink and I’m sixty-six, wondering where the years have gone, left with memories of dead loved ones, and a limited number of years remaining….but that’s the thing…we all have a limited number of years remaining. Carpe diem my friend. Enjoy the moments as they fly by us.

    Have a wonderful Monday, Janine.

  23. Amanda @ Growing Up Madison says

    Janine I was just saying the same thing to myself yesterday. Madison seems like she was only born yesterday and now she’s so independent telling me that she can do things for her herself. Very soon she’ll be in Kindergarten and while I know it has to happen, I don’t want my baby to grow up. I am however looking forward to the summer when I can spend some quality time with the kids. Maybe next summer I’ll get to meet you and Tamara.

  24. Kristen says

    Awwww this made me tear up because I don’t want to blink! My little one is in preschool for 2 more years, just half days 3 days a week. I don’t ever want he r to leave me for school! But you know what….once it happens it will be like living in a sweet spot! Enjoy and savor your summer!

    • Janine says

      Aw, thanks Kristen and I was so in your shoes two years ago, too and it really does go way to fast though. Enjoy your summer, too!

  26. Jack says

    It really does fly by, My youngest is going to be starting middle school and my oldest will be heading off to high school and the signs of the little people they used to be are growing fainter by the moment.

    There was a time when I worked across the street from the school and preschool they attended so I was able to walk them into and out of school. It was wonderful.

    I have such vivid memories of being nervous about their first days and wondering why it was so hard to watch them walk into class.

    Enjoy it.

    • Janine says

      Thanks Jack and love that you do have those memories, as I truly hope I will never completely lose or forget this time and the next years’ stages to come, as well.

    • Janine says

      Aw, thank you Kelly and still cannot believe that they are in reach now, but still can’t help feeling a shellshocked, too.

  31. Tamara says

    I hope it’s the sweetest summer for you. Last summer – with one heading to daycare and one to kindergarten – my heart felt crushed, like i had to drink up every drop of summer. So I did!
    Des still has over two years until kindergarten but I will be so insane about it, I will drive to see you and back! In one school day!

    • Janine says

      I am seriously holding you to that, as I am so not sure what is going to happen for either of us right now with BlogHer. So, keep me posted!! 😉

  33. karen says

    time just goes too fast….I keep thinking that one day he’ll be off with his friends in middle school and then what will I do????

    • Janine says

      Omg, college and sending good vibes for an easy entry for both of you on this in the fall, too Michelle 😉

  36. Aunt Gloria says

    It is unreal that both the girls are in school and growing so fast! I agree….how did that happen? They were just babies and toddlers. It will be a new stage for you and them…..bitter/sweet. But I know you will put your new-found free time to good use and build your future – wherever that takes you. So proud of all you’ve accomplished so far….wife, mom, professional. Was great to see you. Love xxxooo

  37. Bev says

    The other day when Eve was standing up in her crib, the bar now reaching the middle of her chest, I wondered when she got so tall. I watch her sleeping in it and remember when she was about half the length she is now. She tells me what she wants or doesn’t want (well, in her limited vocabulary) and I’m like “when did you get so big?!” I still have a few years before she goes to kindergarten but I know it’s going to go by in an instant.

    • Janine says

      Bev, I can totally remember stuff like this, too with both my girls and still not sure where the time went or is still going?!!

  38. Kate says

    It must be so bittersweet to have two kiddos going to school soon! I bet you’re going to love those afternoons though!

    • Janine says

      Kate, it is totally bittersweet and yet those afternoons do sound like they will at least be calm and quiet, too. Thanks 😉

  39. Leslie says

    Such a bittersweet time. And with your girls so close in age, too. Enjoy the time you’ll be getting at home by yourself…I guarantee your days will still be full to the brim!

  42. Camille says

    Wow, what a big step!! So bittersweet. I honestly can’t wait for Brynna to go to school because she always begs to go when she sees big sissy going on the bus.

  43. Katherines Corner says

    Oh my sweet friend, my daughter is walking this same path with you. Our youngest grandson will be in kindergarten in the Autumn. He informed me the other morning , that I will not need to take him or pick him up any more because he will be riding his bike with his brother and the other big kids. He finished with,” it is going to be awesome”.
    So I say to you, it is going to be awesome! You will now get to have that wonderful and exciting how was school today question, answered by both of your little sweeties.I always ask, “did you ask any questions in class today” or “did you raise your hand in class today” and my favorite “what was the best thing that happened to you today?” The enthusiasm and excitement that proceeds their answers is , well, awesome!
    xoxoxox

    • Janine says

      Aw, Kate I love this and perfectly said, “It will be awesome!” Thank you seriously for making me smile more than you know!!! Xoxo

  44. The Pinterested Parent says

    This makes me cry. I remember sobbing the first time I had to leave my daughter in daycare. When she enters school age, I will probably have to be put on bed rest. Lol! It does go by far to fast. I sometimes need to remind myself of that. One day she will not want mommy to read that one last book or too snuggle with her before bed. I better embrace all these opportunities now.

  45. the Imp says

    Before we started hs’ing, Wolf and I took Diva in for her first day of kindergarten. When he went back to work, they asked how it went.

    “Diva was fine,” he replied, “But The Wife sobbed all the way home.”

    Yep.

  46. Kim says

    You are so right – that soon is very soon!!!
    I remember thinking that I just wish I had a 10 minutes of peace some days when the boys were little. Now, if I eat lunch at all it is usually by myself and I miss those days!!!

  47. Sandy Ramsey says

    My goodness! Where has the time gone?? I can’t believe Lily is going into Kindergarten! My son graduates from 5th grade tomorrow. My last baby is going into middle school next year. It seem like yesterday he was the one starting Kindergarten.
    You are a wonder…I can’t imagine what you will do with six whole hours to yourself! I know it’s a mixed bag of emotions but I hope you enjoy it.

    • Janine says

      Aw, thank you Sandy and I have to admit I have no idea what I will be able to actually do though in six straight hours! But still you are right where has the time gone indeed?!

  49. catherine gacad says

    i can imagine it being hard. I was laughing at my coworker the other day who said she was going to go into depression when her son left for college, but I’m sure I will be the same way when my time comes!

    • Janine says

      Catherine, I go back and forth on this, but still can’t help, but feel like I am losing a small part of my identity if that makes sense.

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