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The Social Butterfly Found Her Wings

Filed Under: BLOG, Emma, Kids Posts, Life in General, parenting two kids Tagged With: , ,

It happened without notice.

I admit that I wasn’t even truly paying attention, when it did.

See I was doing what I do best at my girls’ friend’s birthday parties, by hanging out with the other moms chatting it up and staying on the side lines.

In essence, I was doing what is expected of me now by my almost, 6 year old daughter.

Yet, out of nowhere it did indeed happen.

My mom heart immediately swelled and overflowed with pride.

Where did my shy, introverted caterpillar go, who as a baby used to cover her face if she was put on the spot?

She is long gone having been replaced by this colorful, beautiful butterfly of a young girl, who has found her voice and confidence.

Apparently when asked who would like to get up to sing karaoke at this party, my once introverted child, actually volunteered first to sing, “Let It Go” alongside her friend.

I know Frozen’s, “Let It Go” is not a huge feat, as my girl is very well versed in all things Frozen by even singing this song and more pretty much daily still at home.

But for a kid, who was terribly bashful, this is a major milestone for her in my eyes.

The moment passed and I indeed, “Let It Go” until we were in the car afterwards, when I approached her about this by letting her know I was indeed so very proud, but by also inquiring about how this came about.

Wise beyond her years, she answered me simply and perfectly saying, “I was nervous at first, but then I remembered what my Daisy (Girl Scout) troop leader told us about being brave and then I did just that by being brave, singing and having so much fun with my friend doing it.”

This got me to thinking how we got from that sheepish, baby girl to this confident, young girl.

If you have a timid child, you may be wondering, too.

Introverted Caterpillar Becomes the Social Butterfly

In essence, “How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” — Trina Paulus

[Tweet “You must want to fly so much you are willing to give up being a caterpillar. — Trina Paulus”]

Well here are three ways, we helped our little caterpillar transform into the mighty and glorious butterfly :

1.  Don’t Helicopter Parent the Social Butterfly Within:

In the early years, I always more or less tried my best not to hover by stepping back whenever possible, allowing my inhibited child to explore new people and situations at her own pace.  

When new people (friends and extended family) did introduce themselves to her, I would let her feel her own way to them.  Sometimes she would take a hour or so to acclimate to them, other times it was only 10 minutes or so.  But whatever length of time it took, I never forced the issue with her.  Same with new experiences, too.

2.  Acceptance by Not Changing to Embrace the Inner Social Butterfly:

In that vein however, I never tried to force my child’s hand at being something she wasn’t.  

However, I accepted that she was more reserved and reticent in being put in the lime light or on the spot, where she would have all eyes on her.  Again, I let her navigate new unchartered waters for herself, but was there if and when she needed me.

I let her know that I was proud of her no matter what and that she was loved for who she was, too.  I never pressured her to try to be more outgoing or what wasn’t in her nature at this point.

3.  Peer Centered Social Activities Rule to Further Bring Out the Social Butterfly:

While, I once again didn’t overload her in new, anxiety laden activities, I still made sure she had plenty of opportunities to interact with kids her own age.  

At a little over 2 years old, I enrolled her in dance class, loosened my hand grip and watched as my toddler-aged child walked away from me for the first time to spend an hour once a week not clinging to my side.  

At first as much as I knew that this was what she needed, this still wasn’t easy for the mom in me going against all my gut instincts to want to hold her hand and not let go, but I did it full well knowing that as I mentioned in #1 that I couldn’t and most definitely shouldn’t hover.  

The following year, I also made sure to enroll her in pre-school for 2 1/2 hours a day for two years with the three and four year old classes, which I feel prepared her for the inevitable full-day kindergarten and being away from me for over 6 hours, 5 days a week.  By the way, this wasn’t about getting ahead academically, as much as it was to have her make friends and socially blossom.

While I might not be an expert in child psychology, I am a mom to a once introverted caterpillar, who is now more of a social butterfly that has indeed taken flight and more than happy to share what worked for us.

Signature 2015

About Janine

Janine is a published author of the books, The Mother of All Meltdowns and Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee. She has been featured on The Huffington Post, Mamapedia, Today Parenting Team and SheKnows. She also runs her own graphic design company at J9 Designs.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Robin (Masshole Mommy) says

    I was shy all the way through high school. I wish I blossomed sooner, but it took me getting my first job where I HAD to talk to people to break me out of my shell.

  4. Kaly says

    These are great insights – I’ve also recently seen my shy child become more confident in social situations. It was a challenge finding the balance between pushing him out of his comfort zone and letting him find his own way.

  6. Sandy Ramsey says

    Oh, Janine! This is just beautiful! I know how incredibly proud you must have been and will continue to be. I was always amazed at Nikki, who was such a shy child, when she started to step out of her comfort zone a little bit. She is still an introvert in most scenarios but when she let’s her inner butterfly free, it is a gorgeous thing! Good for Emma!

  9. Liza | (a)Musing Foodie says

    The first one is SO important to me. I never forced my kids to immediately give “Aunt Edna” a hug when we showed up, or to kiss “Uncle Eddie” good-bye when we were leaving. At first family members had trouble understanding, and even took it personally, but eventually they seemed to get it.

  10. Bill says

    These are fascinating years as your girls become the people they will be as adults. Don’t miss a moment of it and embrace it all. Magic is happening right before your very eyes.

    Happy Monday, Janine.

  11. The Imp says

    I’m far more introverted than my kids. I fake it, and overamp when forced to be in social settings.

    Sometimes Princess is a bit reluctant. I simply allow her to find her own place, be it by my side, or rampaging around with other kids. It may take her a bit, but sooner or later, there she is, in the thick of things.

    I think that by allowing kids to be who they are, they gain confidence, and find their place. I loathe how folks act like being shy is a bad thing, and pressure a kid to be someone they’re not.

    You did good, Mama!

    • Janine says

      Thank you again, my friend and I agree that I really am not a fan of people who treat shyness as a weakness by any means. I also think it is seriously so important to let our kids just be themselves to find their own way, too!

  12. Diane Roark says

    Janine,

    My shy quiet and does not ever want to bring any recognition to himself child is now 18. He was the LEAD role in his his high school play last week. It was such a great feeling to see him acting and speak up where everyone could hear him. He plays football and baseball but is always behind lots of gear. He normally handles the lighting for the school play each year. Being the lead role was huge and he did great. I love your posts and how she found inner confidence and was able to express that to you. Great job to both of you!

    Blessings,
    Diane Roark

  13. Amanda @ Growing Up Madison says

    Your baby girl is growing up and very soon she’ll totally fly away from the nest. I’ve always had a social butterfly and so wish it could have been the opposite for me. My oldest was very much like this and as my first I was totally that helicopter parent. By the 2nd and 3rd I totally let them be themselves and by Madison, she almost parents herself. 😀

  14. Allie @ The Latchkey Mom says

    I loved reading this! It made me smile:). We all blossom when the time is right (ah, for me, it was 28 – ha, ha). I know your heart was full, Janine – because mine was just reading this!

  16. Kristi Campbell says

    Congratulations on helping your shy little caterpillar become a beautiful social butterfly Janine! I can imagine how hard it was to let go of her little hand at dance class but look! You did it! Great advice and my heart is happy having just read this today 🙂

  17. Seana Turner says

    Neither of my girls is particularly extroverted. We negotiated a comfortable line for being polite, without feeling uncomfortable. I also found that smaller/more intimate settings let them build relationships, which then were a comfort in a crowd. I think we all feel more relaxed when we know there are at least 1-2 people in the room whom we know well enough to approach without anxiety:)

  18. Kim says

    Love the way your sweet girl has started to spread her wings!!
    I was fairly outgoing as a young child but we moved right before I started high school and my parents divorced so I sort of retreated into a shell. College is where I found my voice again:)

  23. Rabia @TheLiebers says

    It took almost three years of daily visits for my youngest to even look at the receptionist at my older kids’ after-school program! Now, however, he runs to greet him and give him a high five. I’m glad I gave him the time to get used to a new face, rather than pushing him into it.

  24. Jenny @ Unremarkable Files says

    I found it helpful to hold my daughter’s hand and lead her over to a new person to say hello together, instead of pushing her over there saying, “Say hello!” She’s very socially confident now but at first she really needed the comfort of having me right there with her in a new situation.

  30. Kenya G. Johnson says

    That’s wonderful Janine. I know you were so proud. And I love what she about being brave. I think Christopher was born a social butterfly. I hope he stays that way. I only had to help him one or two times in his ten years to introduce him to someone he wanted to play with.

  32. Rea says

    That is so nice to hear Janine! So happy for you! In some cases, it also takes Reiko some time to get acquainted with others especially that he really doesn’t have playmates at home . When he gets comfortable, he won’t stop laughing and playing anymore. I do hope that his social skills will develop more once he gets to summer class and pre-school. 🙂

    • Janine says

      Thanks Rea and I think it is perfectly normal for some kids to warm up when first meeting new people. And you are an amazing mom to Reiko so I have no doubt Reiko will do great in school 😉

  35. Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom says

    Awww, I love this. What a precious memory to see her emerge like that.

    Your tips are wonderful too. I give my children space when they’re playing. Unless they’re doing something really unacceptable, I don’t intervene. They have to navigate social situations sometimes on their own. It’s those experiences that also grow their self-confidence.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Wishing you a lovely evening.
    xoxo

    • Janine says

      Thank you Jennifer and was truly a great moment and now memory, too now. Like you, I usually stay out of the way when my kids are playing unless they are truly being unkind to one another, as well. Have a wonderful night now, too!! Xoxo

  37. Tamara says

    Aww.. I love when Scarlet sings! I love the idea of not hovering and just waiting to see what will bloom. I think I might do that a little too well with my kids.. they are really mellow, though!
    And fearless. Quite unlike me.

  40. t says

    Awww. I love this Janine. My daughter as you can probably tell is an extrovert. I have always been as well. At times, I was a little too outgoing. Lol! I can feel your pride in watching her come out of her shell. You are a great mama Janine. Those sweet girls of yours are lucky.

  41. Bev says

    I was once that shy caterpillar! But my parents always had me do activities and I event went to overnight camp for a month on my own when I was 9 (albeit, it was my idea!). I was slow to warm up to people, but it was so important that my parents pushed me out of my comfort zone. I don’t think I would be where I am if it weren’t for them! Great advice, Janine. I think it is so important to nudge and support. Yay for her being brave and singing in karaoke!

  42. lisacng @ expandng.com says

    So awesome to be able to witness this in you daughter, Janine! What a great parenting moment! You did all the right things to encourage her to be herself, which for her meant coming out of her shell when she was ready. Good tips for the rest of us!

  43. Aunt Gloria says

    How wonderful! Emma has come a long way…..thanks to you and Kevin guiding her while respecting her pace to become a social butterfly! She is 5.8 going on 50! Very astute as well as a brave girl! A big hug to our wonderful Emma! Will be offline for a few days while I’m away. Will catch up when I get back. Happy Easter to all and love and hugs. xxxxxooooo

  45. Sharon Ballantine says

    Kids will blossom on their own schedules. By being supportive and allowing her to be herself, while giving her safe opportunities to grow her confidence you have provided a great model for other parents to follow. Whether our shy child is 2 and we take her to dance class or 16 and we encourage other new experiences, we can help our children be true to their unique spirits while learning to operate in a social world.

  48. karen says

    what a touching and beautiful post, I was a very shy child and liked to be alone often…I didn’t come out of my shell till I was in my twenties… Dino has always been like his dad, he can talk to anyone at anytime…so worries.

    Hope you are well…I know I havne’t visited in a while and saw that you’re last post was about two weeks ago. Hope you are okay.

    • Janine says

      Karen, I posted this past week, but with the girls off on Spring Break have been out and about more, so this week has definitely been more of crap shoot here to be honest. But we are all OK and hope you and Dino are, too. By the way, I also (believe it or not) was shy as a child, too, so just so nice to see Emma come out of her shell. And Lily is more like Dino and will definitely talk to just about anyone, too 😉

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